Well today somewhat sucked. Outside of being frigid cold with the wind blowinga t 60 miles an hour on me all day long, there really was nothing to do but be out there in it. No real work to be done. I despise that.
But thats not what got me in a foul mood today. Someone overslept and missed her scheduled bus from Michigan. In and of itself this would ahve been just a slight delay, but after everything went through yesterday, I ended up being a bit short and abrupt in the quick correspondances I was able to send off in between my work and break schedule.
While on the outside, what happened isn't real cause for concern as these things do happen. But I'm trying to set a bit of a standard here for how things are and are not to be handled. And like I said, wasn't her fault, but I still made my displeasure at the whole situation and set of circumstances known as I calmly and as rationally as possible attempted to deal with the situation.
The worst part of it was the not knowing that she had missed the bus until several hours later due to getting no response from her phone at all. So my reaction quickly ran the gamut of concerned, worried, relieved and angry at the situation at the same time, to a mild seething that I tried to keep to myself for the most part (even though I'm sure it came out, especially in my comment about future occurrances resulting in not being able to sit for a month) but to be honest what outweighed anything esle was the need to keep her together and from overly panicking.
Besides, growing and yelling would not have helped so I refrained in favor of rectifyign the situation as best I could from the other side of the country. Besides that, my anger was far more at the situation that it was with my girl. It was very mild as it concerned her and more of a reactionary thing anyways.
Bleh
But it got straightend out to a somewhat satisfactory end even if it does mean a loss of two days.
Onto other things.
I was reading one of the blogs that I peruse, MsMarie in this case, and she mentioned in her most recent blog about a subject that I find a bit touchy and aggravating at the same time. By and large, how others percieve me or my relationships, actions or activities rarely bothers me, but in some cases gets somewhat aggravating.
I'm going to be bluntly honest and say that I don't fit into the commonly held conception amongst both the internet and various local groups say I should be when speaking on my nature and proclivities as a dominant. And I've been called a great many things, most of them wholly uncomplimentary.
I'm supposed to believe that submission is a gift, that I should follow the holy commandments of "Safe, Sane and Consensual" , etc, etc ad nauseum with all the fluffy flower stuff otherwise I'm abusive, just playing and not really knowign what I'm doing or just a domineering control freak prick. My typical response is something alone the lines of "that would be nice if I cared what the Care Bear power set thought, now please go fuck yourself off a cliff or something"
I'm not really a people person what can I say.
I believe in control. Real control. Not the crap that gets spewed about where "the submissive is really the one with all the power to give away their treasured gift" Bleh and bleh. I believe in total obediance. Don't really care if you want to do what I say, if you ahve my collar on you're damn well gonna do it cause I damn well have a reason for wanting you to do it. (even if it is just because it amused the living hell out of me)
I do not believe in compromises or limitations. More for myself than for my partners. Which means, I do what the fuck I wanna do. Plain and simple. I don't try to hide this. I'm up front about itand let it be known that this is how it is. If I want to be a man whore and screw anything who's legs I can pry open or whoever I can bend over..thats my perogative and I'll be damned if I let anyone have any say in that.
That being said, just because I can and have the ability and freedom to, does not mean I do. Give me a little credit for having some sort of brain in my cromagnon skull even if it is pea sized. Who am I kidding, there is only one thing on my body bigger than my brain and its enormous. muahaha. *ahem*
This I feel however, this ability,power and freedom to be me, has to be tempered with wisdom and forethought. Just because I see a person who I'd probably screw upways, sideways and downways in ways that are illegal in most states just based on appearance alone, does not mean I'm going to. Farto picky and choosy for that sort of thing. But the point is that even if I'm not actually going to do that sort of thing with any thing resembling regularity, I can. There are no limits on what I can do or to who I am. I refuse to compromise on that at all. I may compromise on other things, like if someone can give me a good and logical reason for something, but for who I am, no.
This is just based on past experience and a relationship where I had to do that so much and so often jsut to keep the other person happy and confident about herself that I was, to be blunt, miserable. I'm just not going to go through that anymore.
I believe in a lot of the concepts and philosophy of internal enslavement and the whole M/s subset of things. Most people have a field day with this one, as the common conception is that 24/7 M/s or any type of BDSM relationship is just a fantasy. No one could possibly live like taht despite so many people and so much evidence to the contrary. It's odd how the BDSM community at large seems to shy away from and label those who wish a deeper more meaningful philosophy for themselves to be doing it wrong and often accuse them of so many things. So much for being open minded...but then I'm reminded that just because of human nature, open minded just means "open minded about things I like and agree with. The rest of you are freaks and are harmful".
I'm also not a monogamous person. I've tried it, it doesn't fit, tried to return it but didn't have the reciept. It's not me. And truthfully I'm quite capable of having an emotional connection with multiple people in different ways without taking anything away from how I feel about any of the others. Each one is different, for different reasons and is expressed in different ways. And neither does feelign and doing this, mean that that one person is "not enough". Its not about that. Never has been, never will be.
I also don't believe in coddling people. Being gentle and diplomatic has its time and place, and yes it may come off as abrasive and cruel at times, but sometimes you just have to give someone a figurative (and sometimes literal) kick in the head. For example, with my girl, or with kitten or pet, I'm not going to argue, debate, or try to convince them of to do something or to listen to something. Kind of defeats the purpose of our relationships anyways. I'm going to tell them and if I have to make them do it. I shouldnt have to make them, but best believe I'm fully capable of doing so with just a look. I love that look.
But then again, I also do not truly demand obedience. I do expect it, but for good reason. With anyone in this type of relationship that I have some sort of authority over, I have earned that authority by who I am and my actions. Just like with Kitten addressing me as sir. While I generally dislike the automatic deliverance of that epithat in this context by people, and I told her that, I earned that title with her. I told her flat out do not address me as anything even remotely resemblign that unless you truly believe I deserve it for you. I earned it and Kitten is one of the few that I don't growl at when she calls me that. In that case it is a badge of honor and not something that makes me growl and remember what I really meant when I said Sir to officers during my time in the army...it rhymes with complete fucking moron.
Stopping now or I'll just keep on writing until I'm rambling incoherantly, and I have quite a few more years until I can legitimately get away with incoherant ramblings.
Shadow
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