Training a submissive

I see a lot of things when I look around. A lot of misconceptions about what training does and does not entail, or even what it means to train a submissive in general terms.

A lot of people that I have spoken with seem to equate training a submissive with sex and eroticism. And while that can have an aspect to it, that is selling the whole process a bit short.

More knowledgeable people than I have written literal libriaries on the subject, so this is just my interpretation of the whole concept.

Training is subjective. What I mean by that is that very rarely is a person going to run into one method or system that works or is even suitable for every submissive. Its just not going to happen. There are to many variables to consider for one tried and true method to exist. A rough guideline perhaps, but not a whole playbook so to speak.

And besides that in my mind, as I said, training is very subjective. To both the dominant and the submissive. This is because each dominant will specialize their training for their submissives. What they desire and what they want out of them.  This is why whenever I see offers to "train" people I kind of cringe a little bit. Rightfully so in a lot of cases as it seems to be just some backdoor attempt at getting a hold of the boy or girl in question.

You can however teach general basic information. Forms, basic almost universal protocols and things of that nature. Or you can train in a certain aspect (say tea service for example) but beyond general or very specific task and service oriented subject matter. You really can't.

A lot of this is becuase training of a submissive by a dominant is very personal and is tailored to that submissive. Not only to mold them into what the dominant wants them to be, but to aide them in reaching their maximum potential. To teach them how to best let themselves out and be open and proud of who and what they are.

And to me, at its very core that is what training is about. Acceptance. Accepting who and what they are and growing, flourishing and expanding, within their role. Training is more about learning about themselves, what they are capable of, and how much potential they have within themselves.

True there is ritualism, tasks to complete, orders to obey. And a lot of them may or may not make sense to the submissive at the time. But it is about building within them and their dominant.  To me that is why 'training' is so difficult to do in more than a general or overly specialized sense.

How can you train a submissive to be a submissive when their relationship or future relationship may very well (and probably will ) dictate changes to that. And not only that, I can tell from personal experience how much of a nightmare it can be to correct faulty assumptions and just plain wrong ideas given to a submissive by someone else.  Guiding a submissive in who and what they are can be difficult enough (though very much worthwhile) without adding on having to correct behavior instilled upon them by someone else.

And thats not even counting the difficulty for the submissive going through the training just in a general sense. Because it is in general a new experience for htem. Even if they have been in realtionships before, there are a lot of personal quirks and tastes taht go into each person that may or may not have been evident in previous relationships.

And for those new, the stress and constant struggle to let go of what amounts to their freedom, the struggle to focus and become  what the dominant sees within and desires them to be can be difficult enough without them having to endure being taken advantage of by someone else previously under the guise of "training"

Very subjective.

Dominance

This is who I am.

It is a role I play.

No switch to turn off when the fun is over.

No mere game that I play.

This is who I am.

Being a dominant means a lot of things. And truth be told it takes a lot of hard work to truly be a dominant in the D/s or M/s sense of the word. Because to be honest, a dominant personality archtype is not really all that uncommon. You only have to look at nature to see that. Its part of the human primal nature as well. If you look at any group setting, any relationship in fact, there is always that one dominant partner. It's just human nature. The stronger personality type will inevitably become the dominant one.

But in a D/s or M/s sense, there is more to it than that. Having a dominant personality cannot be taught. Its simply who a person is or is not, and it can very well be situational depending on who a person is with and where they are at.

That isnt what I'm talking about though. In a BDSM context, a dominant means somthing similar but altogether different at the same time.  There is a misconception amongst those I have met, some when starting out and some who never grow out of it, that being a dominant (or a master/mistress/what have you) means pretty much getting a submissive/slave and doing what you want so to speak. It's all fun and games after all right?

To be honest I have never seen it that way. And neither have any of the people of whom I have come across that hold the same viewpoint as me (or a variation) of "this is who I am".  Being a dominant in this sense takes a lot of time and effort. And it is a great deal of responsibility. Playtime can very well take a backseat very frequently because of it.

As a dominant, you have another person to look after in a way that most 'vanilla' relationships cannot really comprehend. Same basics, different mechanics. Taking on a submissive/slave is never, should never, be an easy task. It's literally something that you have to work for and keep up with constantly. You can't really just slap a collar on someone and then rest on your laurels so to speak. If you try, you are going to fail. And fail miserably.

Being a dominant means that you have to look after their wants, needs, desires, and wellbeing and do so with a great amount of care and selflessness. Yes, they are giving you the submission that you need, crave, cannot live without. But at the same time to be successful at what it is you are doing in regards to this, you cannot take without giving that dominance , and attention, in return.

Because submissives do need a lot from their dominants that believe it or not do not have anything at all to do with playtime, fantasies or sexuality in any shape or form.

Bear in mind, these are just basics here, and are formed from what I have seen, drawn from my experiences and the experiences of those others I have known.

A submissive needs communication. This isn't just keeping in touch, talking to them in general, etc, etc. Its more than that. As a dominant you have to provide the submissive with openness, honesty, clarity. You have to be able to talk to them on a level that you are able to give them the comfort and security that this provides. You have to be able to talk to them, tell them clearly what is on your mind, be able to clearly find out whats on their minds. Whats happening with them, how they are feeling. You can't be distant. You have to open them up, and open yourself up at the same time.

This is like any relationship, but being a dominant, being a master or a mistress means you have to work harder at it. You have to go deeper and establish that connection and keep it maintained. It means giving positive and when nescessary negative feedback. It means paying attention to what they are saying and not just hearing their words, but knowing their meaning as well. Never underestimate the effect of saying "good girl" for example. Positive feedback like that can do wonders.

Submissives need consistency from their dominant. Whatever rules you set out, whatever rituals you would ahve them observe, whatever consequences you have set in place. YOu have to be consistent and follow through on each and every one of them every time. Now, this doesn't mean thatyou cannot adjust or take circumstances into account, but you have to remain consistent in addressing each and every area of the submissive that they have given you that control over. If they screw up, as hard as it may be you have to deal with that. There may be extenuating circumstances, but that cannot be used as an excuse or a reason to not follow through. All things of that nature should do is temper what those consequences are going to be.

At the same time, consistency in rewards as well. This doesnt have to be gifts or things of that nature, though I'm certainly not against that concept, but consistency in rewards gives a sense of accomplishment, gives them pride, makes them feel more secure and self assured of their choices. A smile, a thank you, or good girl/boy etc, etc is positive affirmation. They did good, they have pleased you and you have to be consistent in showing that. Means also not taking that sort of thing, or anything to do with a submissive for that matter, for granted.

You need to be consistent in who you are and who they are.. I'll say it again, you have to be consistent with who you are and who they are. Everyone has an off day here and there. But you have to be consistent, especially when it comes to the roles within the relationship. Having a bad day, being upset, being unhappy, cannot be used as an excuse for forgetting who and what you are and they are within the relationship. Being in a bad mood for example does not excuse an attitude or forgetting certain things like forms of address and respect, things of that nature.

Because that ties in with the fact that a submissive needs reliability from their dominant. They need to be able to know that no matter what happens that they can count on you to be there. To be there for them through good and bad, and that you are there and stable for them to hold onto and take comfort from.

Things happen. Issues arise. Problems come down the line to throw them off balance. Knowing that their dominant is there, standing tall, firm and unwavering can be of great help. And even when it is merely a lifeline for them to grab onto and hold that small sliver of light close to them. Stability, reliability, consistency, and just knowing that you will be there no matter what means the world.

And sometime you ahve to give up what you want for them. A dominant needs to know that despite common outside views or what may or may not be the common misconceptiona nd stereotype, the submissive is a priority. Not just a priority, THE priority. Even above and beyond what you may want or need at times.

Because that is the nature of it. You are in command. You are in control. But they are your responsibility. To love, to cherish, to care for, to protect. To give them what they need even before yourself.

Dominance is knowing when to put them before you.