Training a submissive

I see a lot of things when I look around. A lot of misconceptions about what training does and does not entail, or even what it means to train a submissive in general terms.

A lot of people that I have spoken with seem to equate training a submissive with sex and eroticism. And while that can have an aspect to it, that is selling the whole process a bit short.

More knowledgeable people than I have written literal libriaries on the subject, so this is just my interpretation of the whole concept.

Training is subjective. What I mean by that is that very rarely is a person going to run into one method or system that works or is even suitable for every submissive. Its just not going to happen. There are to many variables to consider for one tried and true method to exist. A rough guideline perhaps, but not a whole playbook so to speak.

And besides that in my mind, as I said, training is very subjective. To both the dominant and the submissive. This is because each dominant will specialize their training for their submissives. What they desire and what they want out of them.  This is why whenever I see offers to "train" people I kind of cringe a little bit. Rightfully so in a lot of cases as it seems to be just some backdoor attempt at getting a hold of the boy or girl in question.

You can however teach general basic information. Forms, basic almost universal protocols and things of that nature. Or you can train in a certain aspect (say tea service for example) but beyond general or very specific task and service oriented subject matter. You really can't.

A lot of this is becuase training of a submissive by a dominant is very personal and is tailored to that submissive. Not only to mold them into what the dominant wants them to be, but to aide them in reaching their maximum potential. To teach them how to best let themselves out and be open and proud of who and what they are.

And to me, at its very core that is what training is about. Acceptance. Accepting who and what they are and growing, flourishing and expanding, within their role. Training is more about learning about themselves, what they are capable of, and how much potential they have within themselves.

True there is ritualism, tasks to complete, orders to obey. And a lot of them may or may not make sense to the submissive at the time. But it is about building within them and their dominant.  To me that is why 'training' is so difficult to do in more than a general or overly specialized sense.

How can you train a submissive to be a submissive when their relationship or future relationship may very well (and probably will ) dictate changes to that. And not only that, I can tell from personal experience how much of a nightmare it can be to correct faulty assumptions and just plain wrong ideas given to a submissive by someone else.  Guiding a submissive in who and what they are can be difficult enough (though very much worthwhile) without adding on having to correct behavior instilled upon them by someone else.

And thats not even counting the difficulty for the submissive going through the training just in a general sense. Because it is in general a new experience for htem. Even if they have been in realtionships before, there are a lot of personal quirks and tastes taht go into each person that may or may not have been evident in previous relationships.

And for those new, the stress and constant struggle to let go of what amounts to their freedom, the struggle to focus and become  what the dominant sees within and desires them to be can be difficult enough without them having to endure being taken advantage of by someone else previously under the guise of "training"

Very subjective.

Punishment

This particular subject came to mind a few days ago as I introduced a friend to the infamous 128 Basic Slave Rules and then sat there snickering to myself at her reactions to them. If you haven't read them before and havent the faintest what I am talking about, a quick Google search will bring them up.

Keep in mind these things have been kicking around since at least '98, and they were ridiculed then, and unfortunately I ahve seen people recently just raving about them and recommending them to people as reality.  The 128 Slave rules is so wholly unrealistic and more fantasy than anything else..and bad fantasy at that if you ask me.

But it did bring to mind and induce a conversation about the punishment of submissives or slaves. Now, in my opinion, punishing a slave or submissive should not be something that is experienced or done with anything resembling regularity. To me there really should be no need for it to begin with as both parties are entering into that relationship willingly and as adults. And the submissive/slave chooses to submit themselves and earning a punishment on a regular basis seems to defeat that purpose.

Not to mention the fact that if there is a need to punish the submissive/slave then that is more of a failing on the dominant's part than it is the submissive. IF a dominant has to punish a submissive, they either aren't paying attention to the signs, they were unclear, or worse unreasonable in what they are asking.

To often I see people requesting ideas on how to punish their submissives, what methods to use etc etc. Annoyingly so as most of them seem to be looking for something semi-eroticised as a form of punishment. Which again, kinda defeats the whole intent. So lets look at a bit of reality here.

In my perspective in any case.

Let me be clear, I loathe punishment and loathe punishing submissives/slave outside of a 'you've been a naughty little girl now get over my lap' kind of way. I see it to be self defeating. If you punish someone for a behavior or action, all you are instilling is a fear of the punishment. You take a whip to someone for doing something wrong, they're going to be not doing that because they don't want to be whipped not because they want to submit and please you. And that is an important aspect to look at.

That and I enjoy using certain implements in a fun (albiet sadistic) manner, so doing the exact same things I do for pleasure as a form of a punishment tends to send mixed messages. And thats never good.

What I prefer however, is something that the military terms "Corrective Action". Which is a good term because it helps give definition to what is trying to be conveyed. As a dominant you are trying to correct the behavior, not punish and thereby breed a little bit of resentment here and there.

What is being done with corrective action, is seeking out the root cause of the behavior, and looking to solve that issue, removing it and thereby correcting. Think of it this way, a dominant and submissive are out at an event and the submissive starts acting out in whatever innappropriate way. Now a dominant could take the girl home and beat the hell out of her, stand her in the corner, lecture her etc. But really what is that going to really accomplish. OR worse, they could do that sort of thing on the spot.

For me, the proper course of action would be to take the girl someplace private and to address the matter. What this would entail is finding out what is going on with her, and what is causing that sort of behavior. YOu have to be able to find out what is going on. Maybe someone said something that upset them, or did something. Maybe there are bad feelings, bad thoughts going on in their heads, maybe something they saw or heard brought back memories.  The point is, you have to find out.

And its important to be careful of the manner of how things are being done here. A stern angry voice and hostile body language is not going to help. A firm and even tone however may very well be nescessary. Depending on what the root cause is, the submissive may very well be somewhat reluctant to speak of it for various reasons.

Now say that the girl was acting up becasue of somethign she heard or was said to her and it put her in a bad headspace. Well that's a situation that is somewhat (and I say somewhat becasue the situation could be far more involved than just bad feelings over something said) easy to remedy ( and by extension correcting the cause of the behavior) by say monitoring and controlling exposure to certain people or situations.

Granted that is an easy example, and a lot of time it is not going to be that easy. But the basic concept is there. And along with that the submissive/slave needs to be made aware of what is and is not acceptable and has consequences (more on that in a sec). Part of corrective action is making sure that things like that do not occur again, so after finding out what the problem is, taking steps to remedy the solution, it has to be instilled in the submissive that when things like that start to occur/or occur in the future, that the best way of dealing with them is probably to inform their dominant in whatever method is agreed upon. In my opinion, being silent and just bearing whatever is going on that is causing problems doesn't help and is a breakdown of not only communication, but trust and the whole workings of the dynamic between the dominant and submissive.

If someone is under my control, that includes the bad parts as well as the good parts. And keeping the bad parts from me and burying them within themselves actually I find quite aggravating. If there are triggers that casue certain emotions or memories (even if they dont know they are triggers) I need to know when they happen so I can ensure to be mindful of those things. As much of a sadist as I am, emotional pain and suffering does not amuse me in the slightest.

Now as for consequences, I'm again not talking about physical consequences such as taking a switch to them. A loss of privliges work just as well, and to me should be coupled with something that makes them mindful and that they can actually and legitimately learn from. Say you take away computer privliges for a set time, for heavens sake give them something else to do in its place that they can learn from . Writing assignments are good for this. Coupled with reading/research they can be very effective tools.

Using the example used above, the submissive could research and write about say communication as it pertains to that situation. As long as it is understood that it has to be full disclosure. No holding back anything, whether good or bad within the writing becasue it is a learning experience after all. For both parties involved.

All of this is designed (and should be personlized by the dominant to suit themselves) to be corrective rather than punishing. Correct and learn so that what occured does not occur again.

And for reference, answering the question "Why did you do this / What is going on " with 'I don't know" is not really an acceptable answer. At least not in the long run becasue to be honest sometimes they won't know at first and the issue needs to be analyzed.  But still, its not an answer that should really be accepted outright.

And I think I done enough rambling for right now.

Dominant Traits/Needs Pt. 1

                I’ve been thinking quite a bit about certain things as of late. A lot of it has to do with some of the books I’ve been starting to reread, and part of it has to do with other thoughts swirling into my head.

                Now over the years, as well as a few lately, I have seen quite a few lists, thesis, etc. on what purports to be the ‘Qualities of a Dominant’ or something to that effect.  There are a variety of titles to such things, but in the end they all seem to fall into one of two categories. (With full disclosure some do seem to be more genuine).

                These two categories are A: Overly idealistic prose written by submissives that overly romanticizes and idealizes what a dominant apparently should be. The problem with these types of things is that they tend to be almost purely fantasy and written in such a way that there are no way the vast majority of dominant types could possibly live up to these lists. These are the white knights in shining armor.

                The second type is the ones written by dominant types (and with a lot of what I have seen I do use that term in the loosest sense).  While they do tend to contain a lot of the same elements that those written by submissives have, they tend to however be less romanticized in their writing. Unfortunately, the problem with most of these as well is that they also tend to be unrealistic, but more than that, there is this underlying current within them that says something to the effect of ‘I the dominant writing this have all of these qualities’. If it is realistic and feasible, there is nothing with that sort of undertone. But like I said, most of these seem unrealistic and overly idealized.

                I prefer to live within reality. I will however say this much, as far as these types of lists or essays go these are admirable qualities to look up to and to strive towards.  Everyone should strive to improve themselves and to be honest these lists are something that should be worked towards. Fulfilling them however is another thing.

                I have thought about this a lot, and I think I have come up with a list of my own that more fits what in my opinion is a more reality based type of thing.  So is my list of qualitiesque things that a dominant should possess to be successful in their role and place in their chosen lifestyle.  Probably a work in progress that I’ll expand upon from time to time.

#1 Control

                A dominant should be in control. And I’m not talking about control of a submissive (as that comes later) but in control of themselves and their lives.  To be on control of someone else, you need to be in control of yourself and have your life, your feelings, your emotions and social interactions worked out beforehand.  Master yourself before you master anyone else.

                To be blunt, the wellbeing, both emotionally and physically, not to mention the growth of a submissive or a slave is dependent on the dominant being able to keep a certain equilibrium within themselves. Reacting badly to some situations can be severely damaging to this sort of relationship, so a dominant needs to be in control of themselves enough to be able to choose how they react, and to be able to choose the correct reaction.

#2 Confidence

                This should be somewhat self-explanatory. A dominant needs confidence. In themselves, in their abilities and in who/what they are. That isn’t to say that this needs to be to the point of an overblown ego, but they do need to be confident in what it is they do.

                And part of this is being confident in the skills they have, the tools they use, and the methods that they employ. A lot of this comes from experience. The sort of been there, done that enough to know what the hell I’m doing, type of thing.

                I’ve heard a lot of people refer to this as kind of an aura or something that the dominant seems to project around them. Confidence ties into control and in fact quite a few other things as well. If a person is confident, and proud of who and what they are it shows in their bearing, their actions, and their words.

#3 Ethics

                This is a difficult one to tie down. Simply because a lot of people may equate this, and even name it something along the lines of honor, proper protocol or something similar, and truthfully, ethics does tend to be a cultural construct.

                What I mean however is being able to pretty much discern between right and wrong, fair and unfair, good and bad. A dominant needs to be very careful in this regard, and be mindful of what this entails. How a dominant interacts with submissives for example makes this integral. A dominant has to know, and be quite clear, about what is and is not ethical behavior.

                Most people know that hitting on a collared submissive is unethical, not to mention rude and sometimes very dangerous.  But ethics also has to do with ‘Do no harm’. Which has so much meaning within so many different categories it’s not even funny.   Including the most important three (in my opinion) mental, physical and emotional harm.

                And there are two phrases that I like that kind of describe my general without getting into specifics view of ethics. Leave them better off than you found them, and, Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Yes I know that last is a religious type quote, but it fits regardless even if I don’t necessarily agree with the whole organized religion thing.

#4 Knowledge

                Very important. To be blunt..again. Know what the fuck you are doing and talking about damn it. But it’s more than that. There is this feeling that to be a good dominant you have to have experienced the submissive side of things. And while this does have its merits, unless you are gay or a lesbian, you really are not going to get the full effect. Male submissives are different than female submissives. They think differently, have different motivations and different triggers. A male dominant experiencing submission himself is not going to really understand a female submissive in that sense.  But it can be a good start.

                Also however, like I said, know what you are doing. I like the example (even if I didn’t like the actual event) of how the police and military train their people on pepper spray. To understand how someone else is going to react to it, so you know how to react and deal with it, you have to be sprayed in the face.

                And in that regard I fully agree with that. Me personally I know what each and every one of my whips, crops and other items of that nature feel like at varying degrees of force. And I know how to wield them properly.

                Practice Practice Practice.

                This is important. I know how each implement feels. And because of that I have a good idea of how it’s going to feel being laid out across the bared backside of a submissive..mmmm…ahem

                This allows me to judge and gauge my actions and reactions to their reactions. Do I lessen the force, move on to another item, or continue along the path. I know what determines what and how much just slacking off on the force just a little bit will do. What impact it will have.

                Again, practice makes perfect. Preferably practice not on an actual person other than yourself if necessary.

Please be quiet, grown ups are talking.

I keep getting almost daily reminders of why I choose not to participate in many online discussion forums anymore.

As I have stated in the past, I just do not find much in common with the vast majority of people involved in wahtever discussions are being had on said forums. A lot of this is due to the fact that, yes, my views often conflict with what is considered the status quo. And I believe it is that status quo, the groupthink, or the 'accepted' definition of this or that, which makes my teeth hurt and makes me envision opening up the top of my head and scooping out whatever brain cells that will remember reading some of the things I've seen.

Truthfully, I do not get a lot of what I see or read. Not meaning comprehension, in which case I do very well comprehend what is being said, I just don't understand what passes for logic that promotes a lot of what I read or see.  Personally, I find that people have far to many stupid ideas about what is what or how things work. And the sad part is that because of groupthink and trying to fit in with whatever clique seems to be in charge of whatever group, some really bullshit ideas get perpetuated and anythign that runs counter to that "standard" gets jumped on with alarming frequency.

Now, I can't stand any sort of elitism. Never have been one to fit in with any crowd in particular in any case and much prefer to be off in my own world so to speak, but I think a lot of what goes on with discussion groups, and groups in genreal as it pertains to anything M/s or BDSM in general does effect the whole and does not stay confined to just the group that it comes from.

Now I may not be the most open minded person in the world, but I do accept that people may have different views than I have. It's just human nature. I just don't have to agree with these other views. But there are times when the overwhelming level of stupidity just makes my eyes roll into the back of my head so much and so often I think my eyes are going to burst just from the strain.

Case in point. Fetlife is a very good and unique site for what it offers. I do think it goes to far at times in the whole freedom of expression and open minded open arms type of thing. To me, not everyone deserves to have a say or to have their voice heard if that voice is used to promote erroroneous thought and philosophy. Despite common accepted thought, not everyones thoughts and opinions are just as valid as the next persons. A little bit of knowledge on a subject a person is spouting off on would be helpful in this case.

But on to the point. There is a group there, which I have left recently becasue I just had nothign in common with them despite the title and goals of the group, devoted to those who are of a kinky mindset and a polyamorous mindset.  Now, the thing I want to point out is that the group is stated to basically be not one or the other, but both. Now granted kinky is a loaded term that can mean a lot of things. However, there is a general consensus on a site like Fetlife of what that entails and what is covered under that.

On a recent thread in which a girl had something to say about her D/s and poly relationship where prospective partners had to be screened and vetted by the primary dominant partner. Her concern was that after speaking with people, they seemed to refuse to take that next step and speak with the dominant about going further.  Seems pretty straight forward to me.

Problem being that the vast majority of the respondants seemed to find it horrifying that in a D/s or M/s relationship that such a thing would be a requirement of the poly aspect of their relationship. Most of them having a "how dare he" sort of tone to them. One of which going so far as to make the assertion that the dominant in question was trying through that to make the other people submit to him through this.

Really. Are these people fucking serious? If you do not understand how a dynamic works, in this case a dominant and submissive relationship with tones of poly into it, if its not asking questions to further your understanding, shut the fuck up with your ill informed unknowledgable opinions. Seriously. I don't know a damn thing about the engine of a car, so I do try to avoid telling the mechanic that fixes them on a day to day basis that how dare he try and tell me that it's the transmission when in my opinion its not.

If you do not understand something, learn (or at least make an attempt), or keep your mouth shut and not spout off rants about something you know nothing about. I totally understand the dominant in the relationships stance in this matter. In a committed power exchange relationship, just because you add poly into the mix does not mean that certain things are tossed out the window.

I'm a dominant myself. In a relationship. It is well within my purview to institute such restrictions on my own relationship if I saw a need or desired. One, because that is part of the job description. I look out for and protect as best as I can. Two, that is kinda how the dynamic works. If I am not the ultimate authority (when applicable) of just about everything in the relationship then something has gone astray. I just do not feel the need to do so in obvious ways most of the time. I excercise my will differently.

The thing is , I personally do not feel a need to involve myself in that sort of descision when it comes to chel's other relationships at the moment. She is an adult. And while I could, I don't becasue I trust in her adult judgement and know that her views on thing sof this nature are similar enough to mine not to cause much of an issue.  That being said, I'm quite sure she knows and understands that if I ever felt a genuine need to step in at some point, I would. She may not altogether appreciate it, but she would understand why.

That and I have no need to exert authority or power for granstanding or ego purposes. Just not in me. How people see me has no impact on me.  But that is what people need to understand. In a general poly relationship, yeah having ot ask the primary for permission is a little out there. But when you add in the dominant and submissive dynamic into it, it's not only acceptable in general, it is just how things work. And it really has less to do with respect of my relationship and status than it does with safety. I'm by far the nicest person in the world in general, especially when it comes to protecting someone I care about. I'm not someone you want to get on the bad side of. I'm a sadist after all and one who is very imaginative and knows where to hide the bodies.

Point being, if you are not in a D/s relationship, and/or never have been in one, you really cannot speak about or cast dispersions on the way someones relationship works if they are in one. You're jsut speaking about things you don't know a damn thing about. And it just reinforces my own personal belief that you're an idiot who needs to put that high horse back into the stable and leave it alone for a while.

What you have works for you, what they have works for them. For fucks sake stop trying to put your morals and beliefs onto other peoples relationships. Its bad enough that forums and discussion grouips are filled will elitest cliques who seem to think they get to deciede what is right and what isn't, and what relationship is valid and true and what isn't. No need to add talking out your ass to the mix any more than nescessary. 

But then again it is the internet so that is probably not going to change much. Ever.

Some people are just to stupid to own computers.

Relationships and Opinions

As hard as it may be to believe, or admit for that matter come to think about it, my thoughts and perceptions on things is not the end all be all about a great many things. I freely admit that I do not know everything and I’m not always 100% correct all the time. Just most of the time.

I have my own perception of things and how certain things should be, should be conducted and done and things of that nature, that are based on my own personal experiences and I freely admit on my own personal biases. It’s one of the reasons I very rarely engage myself in any sort of forum or discussion group dialog. I may read from it, but I for the most part will not give my own thoughts and opinions. Mainly for the fact that for the most part what I feel and think runs counter to alot of what is the accepted politically correct way of doing things. That and I can’t help but think a lot of people who post things to a great number of the BDSM and kink oriented types of forums are naive weekend warrior type idiots.

Am sorry, but  I am far from the fluffy huggable bunny type. Just not in my nature. I have strong opinions and ideals that guide my actions , morals and ethics, and just becasue certain elements want people in the mainstream to be accepting of what it is that they do in this regard, doesn’t mean I have to play along and water down everything I do to make it presentable. I don’t work that way.

However, knowing this is how I am, and how uinlikely it is for me to change my thoughts and opinions without a great deal of rational and god forbid logical thought provoking discourse, I recognize the need for others to braoden their horizons so to speak. In fact, anyone that I have every been with in this type of relationship, I have encouraged (and at times commanded) them to seek out other peoples views (even and especially those with views counter to my own) to listen to them, take in all the assorted informationa nd random mutterings going on all around, and then form their own opinions and ideas based on that and their own perceptions.

I for one think this is important. In exposing them, willingly or not, to other viewpoints, it allows the submissive/slave/whathaveyou to the myriad of possibilities and realities all around.And besides, just because I personally believe that SSC is a bunch of fluffy PC marketting crap, doesn’t mean that those who adhere to and believe in it don’t have a viable and valuable point.  It’ just that I h appen to whole heartedly disagree with anything that attempts to force acceptance through buzzwords and other ways of saying “we’re normal honest” types of things.

And part of this, I’ve always thought taht it was important for s-types to develop relationships with others who can understand what they are dealing with and going through due to similar perspectives. Yes, intellectually dominant types do understand certain things, but almost singularly on an intellectual level. It’s one of those things taht unless you have personaly experiecned something, while you may know on some level what it is about, you will not really understand to the level that they do. It’s as simple as that.

So it is always good for submissives and slave types to have a support network of like minded people who do understand and can give their own insights based on their own thoughts, feelings and experiences. I have always encouraged those sorts of friendships and for the most part I always will. Granted, this depends on the individual as well. Would be hard pressed to find it worth the time to let someone get involved with another person who believes the old trope that the “submissive really has all the power’. Damn you CSI for propogating that even more.

If there is a value, even if its just along the lines of a cautionary tale, it is helpful.