Please be quiet, grown ups are talking.

I keep getting almost daily reminders of why I choose not to participate in many online discussion forums anymore.

As I have stated in the past, I just do not find much in common with the vast majority of people involved in wahtever discussions are being had on said forums. A lot of this is due to the fact that, yes, my views often conflict with what is considered the status quo. And I believe it is that status quo, the groupthink, or the 'accepted' definition of this or that, which makes my teeth hurt and makes me envision opening up the top of my head and scooping out whatever brain cells that will remember reading some of the things I've seen.

Truthfully, I do not get a lot of what I see or read. Not meaning comprehension, in which case I do very well comprehend what is being said, I just don't understand what passes for logic that promotes a lot of what I read or see.  Personally, I find that people have far to many stupid ideas about what is what or how things work. And the sad part is that because of groupthink and trying to fit in with whatever clique seems to be in charge of whatever group, some really bullshit ideas get perpetuated and anythign that runs counter to that "standard" gets jumped on with alarming frequency.

Now, I can't stand any sort of elitism. Never have been one to fit in with any crowd in particular in any case and much prefer to be off in my own world so to speak, but I think a lot of what goes on with discussion groups, and groups in genreal as it pertains to anything M/s or BDSM in general does effect the whole and does not stay confined to just the group that it comes from.

Now I may not be the most open minded person in the world, but I do accept that people may have different views than I have. It's just human nature. I just don't have to agree with these other views. But there are times when the overwhelming level of stupidity just makes my eyes roll into the back of my head so much and so often I think my eyes are going to burst just from the strain.

Case in point. Fetlife is a very good and unique site for what it offers. I do think it goes to far at times in the whole freedom of expression and open minded open arms type of thing. To me, not everyone deserves to have a say or to have their voice heard if that voice is used to promote erroroneous thought and philosophy. Despite common accepted thought, not everyones thoughts and opinions are just as valid as the next persons. A little bit of knowledge on a subject a person is spouting off on would be helpful in this case.

But on to the point. There is a group there, which I have left recently becasue I just had nothign in common with them despite the title and goals of the group, devoted to those who are of a kinky mindset and a polyamorous mindset.  Now, the thing I want to point out is that the group is stated to basically be not one or the other, but both. Now granted kinky is a loaded term that can mean a lot of things. However, there is a general consensus on a site like Fetlife of what that entails and what is covered under that.

On a recent thread in which a girl had something to say about her D/s and poly relationship where prospective partners had to be screened and vetted by the primary dominant partner. Her concern was that after speaking with people, they seemed to refuse to take that next step and speak with the dominant about going further.  Seems pretty straight forward to me.

Problem being that the vast majority of the respondants seemed to find it horrifying that in a D/s or M/s relationship that such a thing would be a requirement of the poly aspect of their relationship. Most of them having a "how dare he" sort of tone to them. One of which going so far as to make the assertion that the dominant in question was trying through that to make the other people submit to him through this.

Really. Are these people fucking serious? If you do not understand how a dynamic works, in this case a dominant and submissive relationship with tones of poly into it, if its not asking questions to further your understanding, shut the fuck up with your ill informed unknowledgable opinions. Seriously. I don't know a damn thing about the engine of a car, so I do try to avoid telling the mechanic that fixes them on a day to day basis that how dare he try and tell me that it's the transmission when in my opinion its not.

If you do not understand something, learn (or at least make an attempt), or keep your mouth shut and not spout off rants about something you know nothing about. I totally understand the dominant in the relationships stance in this matter. In a committed power exchange relationship, just because you add poly into the mix does not mean that certain things are tossed out the window.

I'm a dominant myself. In a relationship. It is well within my purview to institute such restrictions on my own relationship if I saw a need or desired. One, because that is part of the job description. I look out for and protect as best as I can. Two, that is kinda how the dynamic works. If I am not the ultimate authority (when applicable) of just about everything in the relationship then something has gone astray. I just do not feel the need to do so in obvious ways most of the time. I excercise my will differently.

The thing is , I personally do not feel a need to involve myself in that sort of descision when it comes to chel's other relationships at the moment. She is an adult. And while I could, I don't becasue I trust in her adult judgement and know that her views on thing sof this nature are similar enough to mine not to cause much of an issue.  That being said, I'm quite sure she knows and understands that if I ever felt a genuine need to step in at some point, I would. She may not altogether appreciate it, but she would understand why.

That and I have no need to exert authority or power for granstanding or ego purposes. Just not in me. How people see me has no impact on me.  But that is what people need to understand. In a general poly relationship, yeah having ot ask the primary for permission is a little out there. But when you add in the dominant and submissive dynamic into it, it's not only acceptable in general, it is just how things work. And it really has less to do with respect of my relationship and status than it does with safety. I'm by far the nicest person in the world in general, especially when it comes to protecting someone I care about. I'm not someone you want to get on the bad side of. I'm a sadist after all and one who is very imaginative and knows where to hide the bodies.

Point being, if you are not in a D/s relationship, and/or never have been in one, you really cannot speak about or cast dispersions on the way someones relationship works if they are in one. You're jsut speaking about things you don't know a damn thing about. And it just reinforces my own personal belief that you're an idiot who needs to put that high horse back into the stable and leave it alone for a while.

What you have works for you, what they have works for them. For fucks sake stop trying to put your morals and beliefs onto other peoples relationships. Its bad enough that forums and discussion grouips are filled will elitest cliques who seem to think they get to deciede what is right and what isn't, and what relationship is valid and true and what isn't. No need to add talking out your ass to the mix any more than nescessary. 

But then again it is the internet so that is probably not going to change much. Ever.

Some people are just to stupid to own computers.

Loving Dominant, so dissapointed.

Now it may be just me, but with all the recommendations I have heard over the years for the book "The Loving Dominant", I actually expected quite a bit more than what it actually is. Not to take anything away from John Warren or anything as I have read quite a few of his articles here and there on this and that.

The problem comes in when the book is not at all what I expected it to be. In fact, it is quite a bit less than what I expected it to be and what the title suggests that is within the pages of the book. What makes it worse is that right on the cover has a little subtitle calling it "new and improved".

Good gods, how bad was it beforehand?

Its not a bad book, from what I have read of it, but it is...well its just not what I was looking for. When I think of a book entitled "Loving Dominant" I sorta somewhat expect essays and treatise and things of that nature on the various facets of a D/s type of relationship. Theory and philosophy so to speak. And that is not what I found.

Oh that part is in there, for all of maybe ten pages, but its very glossed over in favor of "this is how you play with this toy" which takes up well over 95 percent of the book. Very dissapointed. I know very well how to play and how to use all the various impliments gone over in the book as I have a good deal of them myself. And if I wanted a How-to type of toy manual I would have gone out and got one.

What I expected was a book that focused on the relationship aspect and the power exchange and things of that nature, not what I actually got. What I expected was a book on Dominant and submissive relationships, not a top and bottom play manual.

And the fuck of it is, John and Libby Warren, at the very least in this book, make any relationship based on D/s or what have you, seem to be limited and relegated only to the play aspect and nothing else. Not only is that disengenous, its insulting.

I'm going to finish the book all the way through, probably thinking the whole time that "Screw the Roses" is a much better book for this sort of thing as well as a great many other aspects, but I'm gonna finish the damn thing.

And I so hope that the other book I have on order is a more satisfying buy. My recommendation, is unless you really don't know anything about BDSM, D/s, M/s or any of that sort of thing. You're better off passing this book by. Its not going to be helpful to anyone looking for a real relationship that doesn't focus solely on the playtime S/M aspects.

Discusion Groups and Forums

To be honest I’m really not sure why I bother with a great deal of the discussion groups and like minded forums that I have signed up for here and there. Either I quickly grow tired of the drama and one ups-manship that seems to be prevalent in BDSM themed boards and groups or the elitism of it all quickly wears on me and I find myself banging my head on the desk or rolling my eyes.

Can’t for the life of me figure out why near every single one of them claims to be welcoming and open-minded yet is so far from being either its near pathetic. Sad really how every single group I have seen or dipped my toes into has turned into a mirror of high school cliques and other things of that nature. But I suppose that is part of human nature and I don’t know why I keep expecting the BDSM crowd to be any different or above that sort of thing. After all these are the same people who hold up Laura Antinou as this icon despite the fact that she has said several times that she wrote the books she did to make fun of the BDSM crowd (and the politics involved in such that she engaged in and was apparently woefully inadequate as she got kicked out of a few groups because of).

Hell on Fetlife the main discussions in the groups I’m in seem to be either how LDR or this other type of relationship don’t work and you’re so doing it wrong, or how for example a couple looking for a third-party is sooo not poly and has no idea what they’re doing and are just ruining it for the rest of us ‘real’ people.

*sigh*

I actually try to get involved from time to time, share some of my experiences and what I’ve been through in some hope that someone, anyone might get even a small kernel of aid in whatever it is they are going through because of it. But for fucks sake the vast majority of people involved in any of them seem to be of the type that constantly denigrate anyone and everyone else because they alone know the key to how it all works.  Where does that come from.  When did posting a bunch of crap over a period of time give anybody that sort of right to tell people who kinda thing.

Now, to be honest, while there is no one true correct all-encompassing way to engage in a BDSM relationship. That being said, there are definitely quite a few ways not to do them and just as many people who should be chased away from the rest of us semi normal people because of the crap they try to pull. Just look at 99 percent of the profiles on Collarme or even Fetlife for that matter to see things that will make a person face-palm so much they’ll tattoo a hand print on their foreheads because of it.

Not quite what I’m talking about though. More about the people who actually do have a small measure of a clue but who seem to take that little shred and run off a cliff with it. I think it may just be an online thing.
I can recall being on the Internal Enslavement forums for a while, with a girl whom I’d know for quite a few years but was just starting to get into the first steps of an actual relationship. I was in New York she was in Virginia and the plan was for arrangements after she had finished her schooling with quite a few trips back and forth in between.  What started outa s a good set of forums on not only the concepts of internal enslavement and its philosophy, but actual experiences with its implementation, denigrated into the usual elitism where making fun of an insulting people because in their minds they weren’t ‘true’ was common place. Especially anything having any sort of facet of a LDR. Hell, I was flat-out told that despite the fact of coming off a ten-year live in relationship that I had nothing to say and that none of my opinions, thoughts or experiences had any merit because my girl at the time happened to temporarily live in a different state from me.

Hell, the Collarme forums are some of the worst for that, and that’s all backed up by a small group who band together to attack anyone who disagrees with them. Ok with a small social group like munches and things of that nature (another thing I won’t touch) having a general commonality of beliefs is to be expected.  But in a discussion group and a forum, to have a small number of people dictate what is politically correct and what is not for a mass of thousands and then enforce that with coordinated shutdowns is kinda mind-boggling that people who profess open-mindedness and even say there is no right way, act in just the exact opposite.

Now admittedly, I’m far from perfect, and a lot of my views (which I’ve gained from a lifetime of experience with this and that) are not going to be very popular with the teddy bear IRAB group. Hell I roll my eyes and groan inwardly (and outwardly) at the whole submission is a gift thing, let alone how I see the vast majority of prodommes.  This aint really give and take for me, and I don’t enjoy limitations et upon me and what I can and cannot do and with who. But then again I’m always open and upfront with that so anyone trying to get into something in the hopes of changing me or changing my mind is gonna be in for a disappointment.

I’ve made to many compromises in my life for the sake of other people and their desires and mental problems to be very agreeable to that sort of situation in my curmudgeonly old age..ok not that old.
But this is why I tend to go it alone and to hell with groups and group activities. They just always seem to have an agenda to them and I aint all up for that.  If people don’t like it, they aint gotta get involved with me. Simple as that. I’m happy, they’re happy, all good.

But oddly enough, I have found that a large number of blogs I’ve come across recently are much more of what I am looking for. Real people with real experiences sharing in ways that are important to them. It’s always interesting to see and read about their perceptions of things they are going through and how they handle them.  On both sides of the fence.

On a brighter note,

Did get to talk to someone very dear to me on the phone today. Something I havent done in a long time for various reasons here and there and I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed talking to her and how much I truly did miss her.Spent a good forty-five minutes on the phone just talking about random stuff, nothing much, but that wasn’t the point.

To get to talk to someone who has always and will always have a place in my heart no matter what occurs, that’s always a good thing. And despite situations in the past that have conspired to get in the way, who knows what the future may hold. Though I have learned long ago not to think too much on stuff like that and live in the moment so to speak.