Precedence

There is a precedence to things. I.E., some things will always take precedence to other things. Sort of a prioritizing kind of situation.

Right now, most everything for me is put on hold. Shunted to the back of my mind and locked away for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I worry about certain things (or people rather) so I put myself into standby mode.

Right now Chel worries me a lot. Her being in the hospital at the moment does not help things much, in fact it flips things into the opposite of helping. But that is alright because her and her health take precedence over...well pretty much everything else. I do have other responsibilities that I cannot slack on, school and work being the two most obvious, but everything else takes a back seat. And even those two things are conditional on what is going on at the moment.

Relationship wise, I love her and she is well aware of that fact, and  I know she loves me. That's fine. Nothign wrong in that regard. Only, with who I am and what I need out of things, there should be more to it. Granted that statement can be taken the wrong way, but that isn't quite what I mean. It's not that I am unsatisfied or anything of that nature, it is just that some times I feel there is a need, for the greater good (and for her own well being) that I need to back off a bit in certain areas and let things in that regard coast for a while.

Not that I don't think constantly of coming home, grabbign her by her hair and throwing her on the bed and doing despicable things to her until we're both exhausted and unable to move, but that is not what is in my mind needed at the moment And I don;t want to do more hamr than good so to speak.

*sigh*

You'd think that at this point in my life I would have had enough experience with things of this nature to know what to do. Well, I do and I don't. I've learned long ago that there are a lot of things that it is better at times for me to simply withhold and keep to myself. And for the most part, these kinds of desires at the moment are one of them. There is enough stress in both of our lives at the moment without adding onto it.

Though, it may be a relief of stress in and of itself. Besides that I like working things out for myself in my own time and in my own head most of the time. And I've learned that sometimes its better to just keep quiet. I do that quite frequently with family members as it is. You're at that limit, you want to say something, but you know it will just make things a hell of a lot worse.

I know I don't have the best job in the world right, but it is something I am good at and do well in, despite the fact that I am making a change in that regard anyways. I could say something, because frankly I'm tired of hearing about it and getting all the comments nonstop (which is a long list of things I have to deal with in regards to backhanded comments and complaining I have to deal with) but I know it would not do any good. SO I just shut the hell up and ignore it as best I can.

I have a lot of things going on that just pile the stress onto my shoulders. But I'm used to it, don't particularly like or enjoy it, but I'm used to it. So I keep quiet about everything and focus my attention on other things.

That is what I am here for. That is what I do. I could go on a rant and let the world know jsut how tired of everything I am and to just for fucks sake leave me alone just for once. But I don't because it's not who I am. Probably why some people think I'm just one incident away from going postal and taking everyone out....not that I've planned it out or anything and am just waiting on the shipment to arrive or anything hehe.

But to make the point, yes I have issues (so say the psychiatrists...and everyone else for that matter), but so does everyone. Mine are only special because they are mne. And right now, other things take priority over dealing with what I have to for me, and what I want/would like.

Right now everything else is unimportant. She takes up priority and getting her where she needs to be. Everything else will fall into place eventually. I'm not an optomist, I'm just persistant.