Punishment

This particular subject came to mind a few days ago as I introduced a friend to the infamous 128 Basic Slave Rules and then sat there snickering to myself at her reactions to them. If you haven't read them before and havent the faintest what I am talking about, a quick Google search will bring them up.

Keep in mind these things have been kicking around since at least '98, and they were ridiculed then, and unfortunately I ahve seen people recently just raving about them and recommending them to people as reality.  The 128 Slave rules is so wholly unrealistic and more fantasy than anything else..and bad fantasy at that if you ask me.

But it did bring to mind and induce a conversation about the punishment of submissives or slaves. Now, in my opinion, punishing a slave or submissive should not be something that is experienced or done with anything resembling regularity. To me there really should be no need for it to begin with as both parties are entering into that relationship willingly and as adults. And the submissive/slave chooses to submit themselves and earning a punishment on a regular basis seems to defeat that purpose.

Not to mention the fact that if there is a need to punish the submissive/slave then that is more of a failing on the dominant's part than it is the submissive. IF a dominant has to punish a submissive, they either aren't paying attention to the signs, they were unclear, or worse unreasonable in what they are asking.

To often I see people requesting ideas on how to punish their submissives, what methods to use etc etc. Annoyingly so as most of them seem to be looking for something semi-eroticised as a form of punishment. Which again, kinda defeats the whole intent. So lets look at a bit of reality here.

In my perspective in any case.

Let me be clear, I loathe punishment and loathe punishing submissives/slave outside of a 'you've been a naughty little girl now get over my lap' kind of way. I see it to be self defeating. If you punish someone for a behavior or action, all you are instilling is a fear of the punishment. You take a whip to someone for doing something wrong, they're going to be not doing that because they don't want to be whipped not because they want to submit and please you. And that is an important aspect to look at.

That and I enjoy using certain implements in a fun (albiet sadistic) manner, so doing the exact same things I do for pleasure as a form of a punishment tends to send mixed messages. And thats never good.

What I prefer however, is something that the military terms "Corrective Action". Which is a good term because it helps give definition to what is trying to be conveyed. As a dominant you are trying to correct the behavior, not punish and thereby breed a little bit of resentment here and there.

What is being done with corrective action, is seeking out the root cause of the behavior, and looking to solve that issue, removing it and thereby correcting. Think of it this way, a dominant and submissive are out at an event and the submissive starts acting out in whatever innappropriate way. Now a dominant could take the girl home and beat the hell out of her, stand her in the corner, lecture her etc. But really what is that going to really accomplish. OR worse, they could do that sort of thing on the spot.

For me, the proper course of action would be to take the girl someplace private and to address the matter. What this would entail is finding out what is going on with her, and what is causing that sort of behavior. YOu have to be able to find out what is going on. Maybe someone said something that upset them, or did something. Maybe there are bad feelings, bad thoughts going on in their heads, maybe something they saw or heard brought back memories.  The point is, you have to find out.

And its important to be careful of the manner of how things are being done here. A stern angry voice and hostile body language is not going to help. A firm and even tone however may very well be nescessary. Depending on what the root cause is, the submissive may very well be somewhat reluctant to speak of it for various reasons.

Now say that the girl was acting up becasue of somethign she heard or was said to her and it put her in a bad headspace. Well that's a situation that is somewhat (and I say somewhat becasue the situation could be far more involved than just bad feelings over something said) easy to remedy ( and by extension correcting the cause of the behavior) by say monitoring and controlling exposure to certain people or situations.

Granted that is an easy example, and a lot of time it is not going to be that easy. But the basic concept is there. And along with that the submissive/slave needs to be made aware of what is and is not acceptable and has consequences (more on that in a sec). Part of corrective action is making sure that things like that do not occur again, so after finding out what the problem is, taking steps to remedy the solution, it has to be instilled in the submissive that when things like that start to occur/or occur in the future, that the best way of dealing with them is probably to inform their dominant in whatever method is agreed upon. In my opinion, being silent and just bearing whatever is going on that is causing problems doesn't help and is a breakdown of not only communication, but trust and the whole workings of the dynamic between the dominant and submissive.

If someone is under my control, that includes the bad parts as well as the good parts. And keeping the bad parts from me and burying them within themselves actually I find quite aggravating. If there are triggers that casue certain emotions or memories (even if they dont know they are triggers) I need to know when they happen so I can ensure to be mindful of those things. As much of a sadist as I am, emotional pain and suffering does not amuse me in the slightest.

Now as for consequences, I'm again not talking about physical consequences such as taking a switch to them. A loss of privliges work just as well, and to me should be coupled with something that makes them mindful and that they can actually and legitimately learn from. Say you take away computer privliges for a set time, for heavens sake give them something else to do in its place that they can learn from . Writing assignments are good for this. Coupled with reading/research they can be very effective tools.

Using the example used above, the submissive could research and write about say communication as it pertains to that situation. As long as it is understood that it has to be full disclosure. No holding back anything, whether good or bad within the writing becasue it is a learning experience after all. For both parties involved.

All of this is designed (and should be personlized by the dominant to suit themselves) to be corrective rather than punishing. Correct and learn so that what occured does not occur again.

And for reference, answering the question "Why did you do this / What is going on " with 'I don't know" is not really an acceptable answer. At least not in the long run becasue to be honest sometimes they won't know at first and the issue needs to be analyzed.  But still, its not an answer that should really be accepted outright.

And I think I done enough rambling for right now.

I should pay more attention.

Most of the time, when I get an urge to write, or have been thinking about something, etc etc, I simply just sit down and write and by and large fail to pay attention to much else. When I write everything else tends to fade out to the edges at times.

In any case, I noticed I have followers now. Something new as I don't recall that ever happening before. So, I bid you welcome, and please feel free to comment about anything I write...especailyl for clarification. I have a hard enough time understanding myself at times so I hardly expect anyone else to *grins*

Shadow

Random Rambling that pours from my brain.

It occurs to me that oft times I have a little to much mental wandering time. And I mean that my mind often wanders from one subject to the next and back again whilst I'm working for example. Most of the people I work with would most likely be horrified by the thoughts that swirl around in my head, but truthfully I would think they'd know me well enouh by now to expect that sort of thing. I'm not exactly secretive about my depravity, just the overall level of it.

In any case, after a conversation I had yesterday, it got me thinking today about certain things.  There is an aweful lot of stereotyping that goes on. Granted this is in general, can't often get away from it in fact, but I mean more of a specific instance. And along with this goes a lot of expectations I think too.

What I mean is this, and it is something I have often wondered about. What image do you conjure up when you think of the terms ( as far as BDSM goes) dominant and submissive. Generally you'll more likely get two sets of images for both going roughly along gender lines. And it is those images that I've always wondered about.

Mostly because, well look at it this way, you get a brand new submissive girl, just starting out and learning. Are her responses and excitement to activities such as spanking, items such as whips and chains, are they genuine attractions, or are they more along the lines of "this is what submissive women enjoy so therefore I enjoy them". The same can be said for the whole "I identify as dominant so therefore I must enjoy tying people up and whipping them into jello"

Part of this is becuase the logical portion of my mind can't quite wrap around the fact that it is a near impossibility that every single person who is into BDSM in any of its varying aspects automatically is just enthralled and craving that sort of thing.

I'd personally expect a bit of wide eyed curiosity about things like beign dragged over a dominants lap for a spanking when first doing some self exploration, but a general overall enjoyment from the get go just does not seem right to me.

Granted there is a lot to be said from exploration and experience, but there is also I think the factor of a learned or conditioned response. I've found that there is very little activity wise that cannot be at least in some way eroticised. I can recall in fact experiencing the fact first hand that new submissive types in new relationships with a dominant will tend to eroticise just about everything. Even the most mundane tasks.

But the whole pain thing is subjective. I've known just as many self proclaimed painsluts as I ahve those who jsut enjoy light sensation play. So while it does cover a wide range along the spectrum, it is still there.

Now on a different aspect of the same topic, is bondage. Now I like to think of bondage in general as far as it relates to this subject as being freedom in chains. Which is a good enough term I think.

As it was described to me, being in chains means that you cannot resist or escape the fact that these are the things that you enjoy. It allows a certain freedom to literally be yourself, ignoring all the societal and cultural pressures that can arise from enjoying things that society as a whole generally considers taboo or even wrong.  After all, women (or men for that matter) are not supposed to enjoy that sort of thing.

But like it was told to me, all chained up you really can't run away and hide from the fact that you do enjoy it. You have to almost literally face and accept it. Which once done, gives a tremendous amount of freedom. Which is understandable.

Embrace and accept who you are freely and without worry. Even if its only for a little while.

On Service and Bottoming...because I couldn't really think of a catchy title.

Bear in mind this is my opinion. It does not make what I say either right or wrong, it simply makes it my opinion and how I tend to view things. Take that as you will.

I try not to get to much into labels, other than the ones I personally self identify with. For everyone else I see labels pretty much in the same manner. As long as the terminology is actually understood, what another person self identifies as is of course their own business and I try not to get to involved in that sort of thing.

 But the terminology is the key to this. If a person is using the word incorrectly, no matter what the word happens to be, then they are using it incorrectly.

This is something that I had been thinking about on and off throughout the day since I noticed a posting on a message board that I cam across last night. Which subsequently made my eyes bleed reading through the thread until I felt my brain was going to explode.

The long and short of the posting was someone complaining that all the service and submission was getting in the way of all the sex and that how dare people who actually want something of a relationship that isn't based solely on carnal activities 'hijack this lifestyle'.

Now, this made me think quite a bit. Mostly because said person self identified as a submissive yet through their words and opinions was clearly anything but. Don't get me wrong. There wholly nothing wrong with being a sexual bottom, but the useage of the incorrect terminology bothered me a little bit. Not to mention throwing in that line about the lifestyle being hijacked.

Let me be clear about this. Topping or bottoming is an activity. A fun one at that. But unless it is somethign that is done on a daily basis (and I would venture on a continual basis throughout the day) it really does not qualify as a lifestyle. D/s or M/s on the otherhand are most certainly lifestyles by any definition of the word.

That and disparaging any sort of service that does not involve sexual gratification and to infer as well taht it is ruining everything is beyond stupid in my opinion. I'm a firm believer in that everyone has a right to their opinions (with a caveat that they at least be factually based) but there are some instances that seem to stretch this belief quite a bit. Especialyl ones that I find incredibly stupid not to mention arrogant and ill informed.

BDSM by its nature and definition is wide ranging in the topics that it covers. Dominance and Submission being one of the letter pairings after all. And I think that there seems to be a lot of friction as of late between those that see this as a way to live their life with their partner(s) and those who are just looking for the thrill of it. And again there is nothing wrong with either side of the equation, but it seems to me that there is a lot of problems and misconceptions with the definitions.

To me, a top and a bottom I see as being almost equal partners. Though the top directs the whole scene unfolding, any submission going on by the bottom is purely for the gratification of both. Granted this is an extreme simplification of the dynamic that goes on, but ultimately I think it works.

A submissive I think is a wholly different animal. At its core I believe that submission is about service in some fashion or another. And that service is what makes it different. A submissive does not switch off after play time like a bottom might for example. Bottoming is an activity, submissive is what a person is or is not.

When I say service, I mean a lot of things. Yes there is a sexual aspect to it at times, and why not sex happens to be delightful, but it is more than that. If you take away the sexual aspect and remove it from the equation entirely, a submissive is still going to be submissive. They are still going to be looking for and needing the relationship dynamic that goes along with a dominant/submissive or master/slave relationship.

It is about control, discipline, belonging and being fulfilled by fulfilling another person or persons as the case may be. Submission in my opinion is more mentally focused and driven. After all, I'd venture to guess that there are few dominants out there that are not aware of the power and impact a simple raised eyebrow can have on a submissive. Or that subtle change in the tone of ones voice, or that one particular 'look'.

The displeasure of a dominant (without the physical correction that may or may not follow) has just as much a profound of an impact on a submissive as does their pleasure and approval. It goes down to the core of their being. It is not something in my experience that can be simply turned off. At the very least not without a great deal of difficulty.

Like I've said before, many times in fact, I can very easily refill my own coffee cup. But turning and seeing my mug 'magically' refilled and jsut the way I like it will almost always make me smile, acknolwedge and appreciate the gesture.

Service is after all, not so much about the big things, but it is about the little things. The take the initiative attention to detail little odds and ends that for a lot of people may go unnoticed or even worse taken for granted.

Now, a bottom is not better than a submissive and a submissive is not better than a bottom. You really cannot realistically compare the two. It's the old apples and oranges thing. IF you are looking purely superficially, they are similar in some ways. But it is beneath that where the differences are and, in my opinion, where the submissive is going to shine brightest. And I say that in a purely biased and personal preference type of way. It's what I prefer so I tend to view them both in differing lights.

Either way, enjoy what you do, be proud of who and what you are in this and be fully confident in the choices for your life that you make. Don';t let anyone tell you any differently...unless you really want to in which case go for it.

I fail to see the point of doing otherwise is in any case. I know I certainly don't please every person with who I am and what I do, and frankly I could give a damn less about what most people think. I don't do a lot of things the way that others do, nor do I feel the same way as what I adoringly call the 'party line' (don't get me started).

Point is, unless there is a danger, a real danger that is, be you and let everyone else be themselves. Life is to short to go around doing anything else.

Shadow

Post Munch

I'm remembering why I have always been so annoyed by daylight savings time. Despite the fact that at the very least the fall back portion of daylight savings time is infinitely better than the 'Spring Forward' portion.

In any case, the extra time in bed, notice I did not say sleeping because I was awake most of the night in a kind of on off daze, gave me a bit of time to process a lot of things that have been going on as of late.

Surprisingly enough, going to the munch this time, by myself, was a new and ultimately positive experience. Granted for the most part I simply sat and observed. Listening and paying attention to as much as was going on around me as possible. i do this for many reasons. The first being that I am more able to learn of my surroundings and the people that encompass those surroundings by listening. Not just to what is being said, but how it is being said. The subtle body language cues and things of that nature that make up human interaction.

The second being that in truth unless I know the people around me, more than just passing aquaintance wise, interjecting myself into their social dynamic is to me somewhat rude and uncomfortable. I may make a few comments here and there, answer when asked a question or spoken too, but I rarely if ever volunteer anything.

I could say that this is a response to being burned one to many times from various situations throughout my life, which is a part of it yes, but truthfully that is just part of my nature. I don't need to be the center of attention after all, and lets face it being in the shadows plotting tends to suit me more anyways hehe.

But this time was different, and I think I can attribute that to meeting someone there who is more similar to me than...well to be honest the vast majority of the worlds population. It was a good time and had a nice conversation about such a wide range of topics (mostly geeky fun type stuff) and it actaully made the whole experience enjoyable.

There wasn't a lot of lifestyle-esque talk going on other than a few snippets here and there, but then again there hasn't been much if any at all in any of the other ones I went to either. Which is ok. Well to some extent anyways. Its all well adn good to relax and enjoy the company of like minded individuals, but I suppose a little bit more of the twisted evil amusement types of stuff wouldnt be amiss either.

That being said, there are definately a few things here and there that I want to think more upon and get into further so to speak.

It definately makes it easier to get involved when there is someone there that makes it easier to open up a bit more than usual.

We'll see.

Now I jsut have to wait for my claws to arrive in the mail some time this week and see how all of that goes.

Shadow

Dominant Traits/Needs Pt. 1

                I’ve been thinking quite a bit about certain things as of late. A lot of it has to do with some of the books I’ve been starting to reread, and part of it has to do with other thoughts swirling into my head.

                Now over the years, as well as a few lately, I have seen quite a few lists, thesis, etc. on what purports to be the ‘Qualities of a Dominant’ or something to that effect.  There are a variety of titles to such things, but in the end they all seem to fall into one of two categories. (With full disclosure some do seem to be more genuine).

                These two categories are A: Overly idealistic prose written by submissives that overly romanticizes and idealizes what a dominant apparently should be. The problem with these types of things is that they tend to be almost purely fantasy and written in such a way that there are no way the vast majority of dominant types could possibly live up to these lists. These are the white knights in shining armor.

                The second type is the ones written by dominant types (and with a lot of what I have seen I do use that term in the loosest sense).  While they do tend to contain a lot of the same elements that those written by submissives have, they tend to however be less romanticized in their writing. Unfortunately, the problem with most of these as well is that they also tend to be unrealistic, but more than that, there is this underlying current within them that says something to the effect of ‘I the dominant writing this have all of these qualities’. If it is realistic and feasible, there is nothing with that sort of undertone. But like I said, most of these seem unrealistic and overly idealized.

                I prefer to live within reality. I will however say this much, as far as these types of lists or essays go these are admirable qualities to look up to and to strive towards.  Everyone should strive to improve themselves and to be honest these lists are something that should be worked towards. Fulfilling them however is another thing.

                I have thought about this a lot, and I think I have come up with a list of my own that more fits what in my opinion is a more reality based type of thing.  So is my list of qualitiesque things that a dominant should possess to be successful in their role and place in their chosen lifestyle.  Probably a work in progress that I’ll expand upon from time to time.

#1 Control

                A dominant should be in control. And I’m not talking about control of a submissive (as that comes later) but in control of themselves and their lives.  To be on control of someone else, you need to be in control of yourself and have your life, your feelings, your emotions and social interactions worked out beforehand.  Master yourself before you master anyone else.

                To be blunt, the wellbeing, both emotionally and physically, not to mention the growth of a submissive or a slave is dependent on the dominant being able to keep a certain equilibrium within themselves. Reacting badly to some situations can be severely damaging to this sort of relationship, so a dominant needs to be in control of themselves enough to be able to choose how they react, and to be able to choose the correct reaction.

#2 Confidence

                This should be somewhat self-explanatory. A dominant needs confidence. In themselves, in their abilities and in who/what they are. That isn’t to say that this needs to be to the point of an overblown ego, but they do need to be confident in what it is they do.

                And part of this is being confident in the skills they have, the tools they use, and the methods that they employ. A lot of this comes from experience. The sort of been there, done that enough to know what the hell I’m doing, type of thing.

                I’ve heard a lot of people refer to this as kind of an aura or something that the dominant seems to project around them. Confidence ties into control and in fact quite a few other things as well. If a person is confident, and proud of who and what they are it shows in their bearing, their actions, and their words.

#3 Ethics

                This is a difficult one to tie down. Simply because a lot of people may equate this, and even name it something along the lines of honor, proper protocol or something similar, and truthfully, ethics does tend to be a cultural construct.

                What I mean however is being able to pretty much discern between right and wrong, fair and unfair, good and bad. A dominant needs to be very careful in this regard, and be mindful of what this entails. How a dominant interacts with submissives for example makes this integral. A dominant has to know, and be quite clear, about what is and is not ethical behavior.

                Most people know that hitting on a collared submissive is unethical, not to mention rude and sometimes very dangerous.  But ethics also has to do with ‘Do no harm’. Which has so much meaning within so many different categories it’s not even funny.   Including the most important three (in my opinion) mental, physical and emotional harm.

                And there are two phrases that I like that kind of describe my general without getting into specifics view of ethics. Leave them better off than you found them, and, Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Yes I know that last is a religious type quote, but it fits regardless even if I don’t necessarily agree with the whole organized religion thing.

#4 Knowledge

                Very important. To be blunt..again. Know what the fuck you are doing and talking about damn it. But it’s more than that. There is this feeling that to be a good dominant you have to have experienced the submissive side of things. And while this does have its merits, unless you are gay or a lesbian, you really are not going to get the full effect. Male submissives are different than female submissives. They think differently, have different motivations and different triggers. A male dominant experiencing submission himself is not going to really understand a female submissive in that sense.  But it can be a good start.

                Also however, like I said, know what you are doing. I like the example (even if I didn’t like the actual event) of how the police and military train their people on pepper spray. To understand how someone else is going to react to it, so you know how to react and deal with it, you have to be sprayed in the face.

                And in that regard I fully agree with that. Me personally I know what each and every one of my whips, crops and other items of that nature feel like at varying degrees of force. And I know how to wield them properly.

                Practice Practice Practice.

                This is important. I know how each implement feels. And because of that I have a good idea of how it’s going to feel being laid out across the bared backside of a submissive..mmmm…ahem

                This allows me to judge and gauge my actions and reactions to their reactions. Do I lessen the force, move on to another item, or continue along the path. I know what determines what and how much just slacking off on the force just a little bit will do. What impact it will have.

                Again, practice makes perfect. Preferably practice not on an actual person other than yourself if necessary.