Training a submissive

I see a lot of things when I look around. A lot of misconceptions about what training does and does not entail, or even what it means to train a submissive in general terms.

A lot of people that I have spoken with seem to equate training a submissive with sex and eroticism. And while that can have an aspect to it, that is selling the whole process a bit short.

More knowledgeable people than I have written literal libriaries on the subject, so this is just my interpretation of the whole concept.

Training is subjective. What I mean by that is that very rarely is a person going to run into one method or system that works or is even suitable for every submissive. Its just not going to happen. There are to many variables to consider for one tried and true method to exist. A rough guideline perhaps, but not a whole playbook so to speak.

And besides that in my mind, as I said, training is very subjective. To both the dominant and the submissive. This is because each dominant will specialize their training for their submissives. What they desire and what they want out of them.  This is why whenever I see offers to "train" people I kind of cringe a little bit. Rightfully so in a lot of cases as it seems to be just some backdoor attempt at getting a hold of the boy or girl in question.

You can however teach general basic information. Forms, basic almost universal protocols and things of that nature. Or you can train in a certain aspect (say tea service for example) but beyond general or very specific task and service oriented subject matter. You really can't.

A lot of this is becuase training of a submissive by a dominant is very personal and is tailored to that submissive. Not only to mold them into what the dominant wants them to be, but to aide them in reaching their maximum potential. To teach them how to best let themselves out and be open and proud of who and what they are.

And to me, at its very core that is what training is about. Acceptance. Accepting who and what they are and growing, flourishing and expanding, within their role. Training is more about learning about themselves, what they are capable of, and how much potential they have within themselves.

True there is ritualism, tasks to complete, orders to obey. And a lot of them may or may not make sense to the submissive at the time. But it is about building within them and their dominant.  To me that is why 'training' is so difficult to do in more than a general or overly specialized sense.

How can you train a submissive to be a submissive when their relationship or future relationship may very well (and probably will ) dictate changes to that. And not only that, I can tell from personal experience how much of a nightmare it can be to correct faulty assumptions and just plain wrong ideas given to a submissive by someone else.  Guiding a submissive in who and what they are can be difficult enough (though very much worthwhile) without adding on having to correct behavior instilled upon them by someone else.

And thats not even counting the difficulty for the submissive going through the training just in a general sense. Because it is in general a new experience for htem. Even if they have been in realtionships before, there are a lot of personal quirks and tastes taht go into each person that may or may not have been evident in previous relationships.

And for those new, the stress and constant struggle to let go of what amounts to their freedom, the struggle to focus and become  what the dominant sees within and desires them to be can be difficult enough without them having to endure being taken advantage of by someone else previously under the guise of "training"

Very subjective.

Dominance

This is who I am.

It is a role I play.

No switch to turn off when the fun is over.

No mere game that I play.

This is who I am.

Being a dominant means a lot of things. And truth be told it takes a lot of hard work to truly be a dominant in the D/s or M/s sense of the word. Because to be honest, a dominant personality archtype is not really all that uncommon. You only have to look at nature to see that. Its part of the human primal nature as well. If you look at any group setting, any relationship in fact, there is always that one dominant partner. It's just human nature. The stronger personality type will inevitably become the dominant one.

But in a D/s or M/s sense, there is more to it than that. Having a dominant personality cannot be taught. Its simply who a person is or is not, and it can very well be situational depending on who a person is with and where they are at.

That isnt what I'm talking about though. In a BDSM context, a dominant means somthing similar but altogether different at the same time.  There is a misconception amongst those I have met, some when starting out and some who never grow out of it, that being a dominant (or a master/mistress/what have you) means pretty much getting a submissive/slave and doing what you want so to speak. It's all fun and games after all right?

To be honest I have never seen it that way. And neither have any of the people of whom I have come across that hold the same viewpoint as me (or a variation) of "this is who I am".  Being a dominant in this sense takes a lot of time and effort. And it is a great deal of responsibility. Playtime can very well take a backseat very frequently because of it.

As a dominant, you have another person to look after in a way that most 'vanilla' relationships cannot really comprehend. Same basics, different mechanics. Taking on a submissive/slave is never, should never, be an easy task. It's literally something that you have to work for and keep up with constantly. You can't really just slap a collar on someone and then rest on your laurels so to speak. If you try, you are going to fail. And fail miserably.

Being a dominant means that you have to look after their wants, needs, desires, and wellbeing and do so with a great amount of care and selflessness. Yes, they are giving you the submission that you need, crave, cannot live without. But at the same time to be successful at what it is you are doing in regards to this, you cannot take without giving that dominance , and attention, in return.

Because submissives do need a lot from their dominants that believe it or not do not have anything at all to do with playtime, fantasies or sexuality in any shape or form.

Bear in mind, these are just basics here, and are formed from what I have seen, drawn from my experiences and the experiences of those others I have known.

A submissive needs communication. This isn't just keeping in touch, talking to them in general, etc, etc. Its more than that. As a dominant you have to provide the submissive with openness, honesty, clarity. You have to be able to talk to them on a level that you are able to give them the comfort and security that this provides. You have to be able to talk to them, tell them clearly what is on your mind, be able to clearly find out whats on their minds. Whats happening with them, how they are feeling. You can't be distant. You have to open them up, and open yourself up at the same time.

This is like any relationship, but being a dominant, being a master or a mistress means you have to work harder at it. You have to go deeper and establish that connection and keep it maintained. It means giving positive and when nescessary negative feedback. It means paying attention to what they are saying and not just hearing their words, but knowing their meaning as well. Never underestimate the effect of saying "good girl" for example. Positive feedback like that can do wonders.

Submissives need consistency from their dominant. Whatever rules you set out, whatever rituals you would ahve them observe, whatever consequences you have set in place. YOu have to be consistent and follow through on each and every one of them every time. Now, this doesn't mean thatyou cannot adjust or take circumstances into account, but you have to remain consistent in addressing each and every area of the submissive that they have given you that control over. If they screw up, as hard as it may be you have to deal with that. There may be extenuating circumstances, but that cannot be used as an excuse or a reason to not follow through. All things of that nature should do is temper what those consequences are going to be.

At the same time, consistency in rewards as well. This doesnt have to be gifts or things of that nature, though I'm certainly not against that concept, but consistency in rewards gives a sense of accomplishment, gives them pride, makes them feel more secure and self assured of their choices. A smile, a thank you, or good girl/boy etc, etc is positive affirmation. They did good, they have pleased you and you have to be consistent in showing that. Means also not taking that sort of thing, or anything to do with a submissive for that matter, for granted.

You need to be consistent in who you are and who they are.. I'll say it again, you have to be consistent with who you are and who they are. Everyone has an off day here and there. But you have to be consistent, especially when it comes to the roles within the relationship. Having a bad day, being upset, being unhappy, cannot be used as an excuse for forgetting who and what you are and they are within the relationship. Being in a bad mood for example does not excuse an attitude or forgetting certain things like forms of address and respect, things of that nature.

Because that ties in with the fact that a submissive needs reliability from their dominant. They need to be able to know that no matter what happens that they can count on you to be there. To be there for them through good and bad, and that you are there and stable for them to hold onto and take comfort from.

Things happen. Issues arise. Problems come down the line to throw them off balance. Knowing that their dominant is there, standing tall, firm and unwavering can be of great help. And even when it is merely a lifeline for them to grab onto and hold that small sliver of light close to them. Stability, reliability, consistency, and just knowing that you will be there no matter what means the world.

And sometime you ahve to give up what you want for them. A dominant needs to know that despite common outside views or what may or may not be the common misconceptiona nd stereotype, the submissive is a priority. Not just a priority, THE priority. Even above and beyond what you may want or need at times.

Because that is the nature of it. You are in command. You are in control. But they are your responsibility. To love, to cherish, to care for, to protect. To give them what they need even before yourself.

Dominance is knowing when to put them before you.

Punishment

This particular subject came to mind a few days ago as I introduced a friend to the infamous 128 Basic Slave Rules and then sat there snickering to myself at her reactions to them. If you haven't read them before and havent the faintest what I am talking about, a quick Google search will bring them up.

Keep in mind these things have been kicking around since at least '98, and they were ridiculed then, and unfortunately I ahve seen people recently just raving about them and recommending them to people as reality.  The 128 Slave rules is so wholly unrealistic and more fantasy than anything else..and bad fantasy at that if you ask me.

But it did bring to mind and induce a conversation about the punishment of submissives or slaves. Now, in my opinion, punishing a slave or submissive should not be something that is experienced or done with anything resembling regularity. To me there really should be no need for it to begin with as both parties are entering into that relationship willingly and as adults. And the submissive/slave chooses to submit themselves and earning a punishment on a regular basis seems to defeat that purpose.

Not to mention the fact that if there is a need to punish the submissive/slave then that is more of a failing on the dominant's part than it is the submissive. IF a dominant has to punish a submissive, they either aren't paying attention to the signs, they were unclear, or worse unreasonable in what they are asking.

To often I see people requesting ideas on how to punish their submissives, what methods to use etc etc. Annoyingly so as most of them seem to be looking for something semi-eroticised as a form of punishment. Which again, kinda defeats the whole intent. So lets look at a bit of reality here.

In my perspective in any case.

Let me be clear, I loathe punishment and loathe punishing submissives/slave outside of a 'you've been a naughty little girl now get over my lap' kind of way. I see it to be self defeating. If you punish someone for a behavior or action, all you are instilling is a fear of the punishment. You take a whip to someone for doing something wrong, they're going to be not doing that because they don't want to be whipped not because they want to submit and please you. And that is an important aspect to look at.

That and I enjoy using certain implements in a fun (albiet sadistic) manner, so doing the exact same things I do for pleasure as a form of a punishment tends to send mixed messages. And thats never good.

What I prefer however, is something that the military terms "Corrective Action". Which is a good term because it helps give definition to what is trying to be conveyed. As a dominant you are trying to correct the behavior, not punish and thereby breed a little bit of resentment here and there.

What is being done with corrective action, is seeking out the root cause of the behavior, and looking to solve that issue, removing it and thereby correcting. Think of it this way, a dominant and submissive are out at an event and the submissive starts acting out in whatever innappropriate way. Now a dominant could take the girl home and beat the hell out of her, stand her in the corner, lecture her etc. But really what is that going to really accomplish. OR worse, they could do that sort of thing on the spot.

For me, the proper course of action would be to take the girl someplace private and to address the matter. What this would entail is finding out what is going on with her, and what is causing that sort of behavior. YOu have to be able to find out what is going on. Maybe someone said something that upset them, or did something. Maybe there are bad feelings, bad thoughts going on in their heads, maybe something they saw or heard brought back memories.  The point is, you have to find out.

And its important to be careful of the manner of how things are being done here. A stern angry voice and hostile body language is not going to help. A firm and even tone however may very well be nescessary. Depending on what the root cause is, the submissive may very well be somewhat reluctant to speak of it for various reasons.

Now say that the girl was acting up becasue of somethign she heard or was said to her and it put her in a bad headspace. Well that's a situation that is somewhat (and I say somewhat becasue the situation could be far more involved than just bad feelings over something said) easy to remedy ( and by extension correcting the cause of the behavior) by say monitoring and controlling exposure to certain people or situations.

Granted that is an easy example, and a lot of time it is not going to be that easy. But the basic concept is there. And along with that the submissive/slave needs to be made aware of what is and is not acceptable and has consequences (more on that in a sec). Part of corrective action is making sure that things like that do not occur again, so after finding out what the problem is, taking steps to remedy the solution, it has to be instilled in the submissive that when things like that start to occur/or occur in the future, that the best way of dealing with them is probably to inform their dominant in whatever method is agreed upon. In my opinion, being silent and just bearing whatever is going on that is causing problems doesn't help and is a breakdown of not only communication, but trust and the whole workings of the dynamic between the dominant and submissive.

If someone is under my control, that includes the bad parts as well as the good parts. And keeping the bad parts from me and burying them within themselves actually I find quite aggravating. If there are triggers that casue certain emotions or memories (even if they dont know they are triggers) I need to know when they happen so I can ensure to be mindful of those things. As much of a sadist as I am, emotional pain and suffering does not amuse me in the slightest.

Now as for consequences, I'm again not talking about physical consequences such as taking a switch to them. A loss of privliges work just as well, and to me should be coupled with something that makes them mindful and that they can actually and legitimately learn from. Say you take away computer privliges for a set time, for heavens sake give them something else to do in its place that they can learn from . Writing assignments are good for this. Coupled with reading/research they can be very effective tools.

Using the example used above, the submissive could research and write about say communication as it pertains to that situation. As long as it is understood that it has to be full disclosure. No holding back anything, whether good or bad within the writing becasue it is a learning experience after all. For both parties involved.

All of this is designed (and should be personlized by the dominant to suit themselves) to be corrective rather than punishing. Correct and learn so that what occured does not occur again.

And for reference, answering the question "Why did you do this / What is going on " with 'I don't know" is not really an acceptable answer. At least not in the long run becasue to be honest sometimes they won't know at first and the issue needs to be analyzed.  But still, its not an answer that should really be accepted outright.

And I think I done enough rambling for right now.

I should pay more attention.

Most of the time, when I get an urge to write, or have been thinking about something, etc etc, I simply just sit down and write and by and large fail to pay attention to much else. When I write everything else tends to fade out to the edges at times.

In any case, I noticed I have followers now. Something new as I don't recall that ever happening before. So, I bid you welcome, and please feel free to comment about anything I write...especailyl for clarification. I have a hard enough time understanding myself at times so I hardly expect anyone else to *grins*

Shadow

Random Rambling that pours from my brain.

It occurs to me that oft times I have a little to much mental wandering time. And I mean that my mind often wanders from one subject to the next and back again whilst I'm working for example. Most of the people I work with would most likely be horrified by the thoughts that swirl around in my head, but truthfully I would think they'd know me well enouh by now to expect that sort of thing. I'm not exactly secretive about my depravity, just the overall level of it.

In any case, after a conversation I had yesterday, it got me thinking today about certain things.  There is an aweful lot of stereotyping that goes on. Granted this is in general, can't often get away from it in fact, but I mean more of a specific instance. And along with this goes a lot of expectations I think too.

What I mean is this, and it is something I have often wondered about. What image do you conjure up when you think of the terms ( as far as BDSM goes) dominant and submissive. Generally you'll more likely get two sets of images for both going roughly along gender lines. And it is those images that I've always wondered about.

Mostly because, well look at it this way, you get a brand new submissive girl, just starting out and learning. Are her responses and excitement to activities such as spanking, items such as whips and chains, are they genuine attractions, or are they more along the lines of "this is what submissive women enjoy so therefore I enjoy them". The same can be said for the whole "I identify as dominant so therefore I must enjoy tying people up and whipping them into jello"

Part of this is becuase the logical portion of my mind can't quite wrap around the fact that it is a near impossibility that every single person who is into BDSM in any of its varying aspects automatically is just enthralled and craving that sort of thing.

I'd personally expect a bit of wide eyed curiosity about things like beign dragged over a dominants lap for a spanking when first doing some self exploration, but a general overall enjoyment from the get go just does not seem right to me.

Granted there is a lot to be said from exploration and experience, but there is also I think the factor of a learned or conditioned response. I've found that there is very little activity wise that cannot be at least in some way eroticised. I can recall in fact experiencing the fact first hand that new submissive types in new relationships with a dominant will tend to eroticise just about everything. Even the most mundane tasks.

But the whole pain thing is subjective. I've known just as many self proclaimed painsluts as I ahve those who jsut enjoy light sensation play. So while it does cover a wide range along the spectrum, it is still there.

Now on a different aspect of the same topic, is bondage. Now I like to think of bondage in general as far as it relates to this subject as being freedom in chains. Which is a good enough term I think.

As it was described to me, being in chains means that you cannot resist or escape the fact that these are the things that you enjoy. It allows a certain freedom to literally be yourself, ignoring all the societal and cultural pressures that can arise from enjoying things that society as a whole generally considers taboo or even wrong.  After all, women (or men for that matter) are not supposed to enjoy that sort of thing.

But like it was told to me, all chained up you really can't run away and hide from the fact that you do enjoy it. You have to almost literally face and accept it. Which once done, gives a tremendous amount of freedom. Which is understandable.

Embrace and accept who you are freely and without worry. Even if its only for a little while.

On Service and Bottoming...because I couldn't really think of a catchy title.

Bear in mind this is my opinion. It does not make what I say either right or wrong, it simply makes it my opinion and how I tend to view things. Take that as you will.

I try not to get to much into labels, other than the ones I personally self identify with. For everyone else I see labels pretty much in the same manner. As long as the terminology is actually understood, what another person self identifies as is of course their own business and I try not to get to involved in that sort of thing.

 But the terminology is the key to this. If a person is using the word incorrectly, no matter what the word happens to be, then they are using it incorrectly.

This is something that I had been thinking about on and off throughout the day since I noticed a posting on a message board that I cam across last night. Which subsequently made my eyes bleed reading through the thread until I felt my brain was going to explode.

The long and short of the posting was someone complaining that all the service and submission was getting in the way of all the sex and that how dare people who actually want something of a relationship that isn't based solely on carnal activities 'hijack this lifestyle'.

Now, this made me think quite a bit. Mostly because said person self identified as a submissive yet through their words and opinions was clearly anything but. Don't get me wrong. There wholly nothing wrong with being a sexual bottom, but the useage of the incorrect terminology bothered me a little bit. Not to mention throwing in that line about the lifestyle being hijacked.

Let me be clear about this. Topping or bottoming is an activity. A fun one at that. But unless it is somethign that is done on a daily basis (and I would venture on a continual basis throughout the day) it really does not qualify as a lifestyle. D/s or M/s on the otherhand are most certainly lifestyles by any definition of the word.

That and disparaging any sort of service that does not involve sexual gratification and to infer as well taht it is ruining everything is beyond stupid in my opinion. I'm a firm believer in that everyone has a right to their opinions (with a caveat that they at least be factually based) but there are some instances that seem to stretch this belief quite a bit. Especialyl ones that I find incredibly stupid not to mention arrogant and ill informed.

BDSM by its nature and definition is wide ranging in the topics that it covers. Dominance and Submission being one of the letter pairings after all. And I think that there seems to be a lot of friction as of late between those that see this as a way to live their life with their partner(s) and those who are just looking for the thrill of it. And again there is nothing wrong with either side of the equation, but it seems to me that there is a lot of problems and misconceptions with the definitions.

To me, a top and a bottom I see as being almost equal partners. Though the top directs the whole scene unfolding, any submission going on by the bottom is purely for the gratification of both. Granted this is an extreme simplification of the dynamic that goes on, but ultimately I think it works.

A submissive I think is a wholly different animal. At its core I believe that submission is about service in some fashion or another. And that service is what makes it different. A submissive does not switch off after play time like a bottom might for example. Bottoming is an activity, submissive is what a person is or is not.

When I say service, I mean a lot of things. Yes there is a sexual aspect to it at times, and why not sex happens to be delightful, but it is more than that. If you take away the sexual aspect and remove it from the equation entirely, a submissive is still going to be submissive. They are still going to be looking for and needing the relationship dynamic that goes along with a dominant/submissive or master/slave relationship.

It is about control, discipline, belonging and being fulfilled by fulfilling another person or persons as the case may be. Submission in my opinion is more mentally focused and driven. After all, I'd venture to guess that there are few dominants out there that are not aware of the power and impact a simple raised eyebrow can have on a submissive. Or that subtle change in the tone of ones voice, or that one particular 'look'.

The displeasure of a dominant (without the physical correction that may or may not follow) has just as much a profound of an impact on a submissive as does their pleasure and approval. It goes down to the core of their being. It is not something in my experience that can be simply turned off. At the very least not without a great deal of difficulty.

Like I've said before, many times in fact, I can very easily refill my own coffee cup. But turning and seeing my mug 'magically' refilled and jsut the way I like it will almost always make me smile, acknolwedge and appreciate the gesture.

Service is after all, not so much about the big things, but it is about the little things. The take the initiative attention to detail little odds and ends that for a lot of people may go unnoticed or even worse taken for granted.

Now, a bottom is not better than a submissive and a submissive is not better than a bottom. You really cannot realistically compare the two. It's the old apples and oranges thing. IF you are looking purely superficially, they are similar in some ways. But it is beneath that where the differences are and, in my opinion, where the submissive is going to shine brightest. And I say that in a purely biased and personal preference type of way. It's what I prefer so I tend to view them both in differing lights.

Either way, enjoy what you do, be proud of who and what you are in this and be fully confident in the choices for your life that you make. Don';t let anyone tell you any differently...unless you really want to in which case go for it.

I fail to see the point of doing otherwise is in any case. I know I certainly don't please every person with who I am and what I do, and frankly I could give a damn less about what most people think. I don't do a lot of things the way that others do, nor do I feel the same way as what I adoringly call the 'party line' (don't get me started).

Point is, unless there is a danger, a real danger that is, be you and let everyone else be themselves. Life is to short to go around doing anything else.

Shadow

Post Munch

I'm remembering why I have always been so annoyed by daylight savings time. Despite the fact that at the very least the fall back portion of daylight savings time is infinitely better than the 'Spring Forward' portion.

In any case, the extra time in bed, notice I did not say sleeping because I was awake most of the night in a kind of on off daze, gave me a bit of time to process a lot of things that have been going on as of late.

Surprisingly enough, going to the munch this time, by myself, was a new and ultimately positive experience. Granted for the most part I simply sat and observed. Listening and paying attention to as much as was going on around me as possible. i do this for many reasons. The first being that I am more able to learn of my surroundings and the people that encompass those surroundings by listening. Not just to what is being said, but how it is being said. The subtle body language cues and things of that nature that make up human interaction.

The second being that in truth unless I know the people around me, more than just passing aquaintance wise, interjecting myself into their social dynamic is to me somewhat rude and uncomfortable. I may make a few comments here and there, answer when asked a question or spoken too, but I rarely if ever volunteer anything.

I could say that this is a response to being burned one to many times from various situations throughout my life, which is a part of it yes, but truthfully that is just part of my nature. I don't need to be the center of attention after all, and lets face it being in the shadows plotting tends to suit me more anyways hehe.

But this time was different, and I think I can attribute that to meeting someone there who is more similar to me than...well to be honest the vast majority of the worlds population. It was a good time and had a nice conversation about such a wide range of topics (mostly geeky fun type stuff) and it actaully made the whole experience enjoyable.

There wasn't a lot of lifestyle-esque talk going on other than a few snippets here and there, but then again there hasn't been much if any at all in any of the other ones I went to either. Which is ok. Well to some extent anyways. Its all well adn good to relax and enjoy the company of like minded individuals, but I suppose a little bit more of the twisted evil amusement types of stuff wouldnt be amiss either.

That being said, there are definately a few things here and there that I want to think more upon and get into further so to speak.

It definately makes it easier to get involved when there is someone there that makes it easier to open up a bit more than usual.

We'll see.

Now I jsut have to wait for my claws to arrive in the mail some time this week and see how all of that goes.

Shadow