Training a submissive

I see a lot of things when I look around. A lot of misconceptions about what training does and does not entail, or even what it means to train a submissive in general terms.

A lot of people that I have spoken with seem to equate training a submissive with sex and eroticism. And while that can have an aspect to it, that is selling the whole process a bit short.

More knowledgeable people than I have written literal libriaries on the subject, so this is just my interpretation of the whole concept.

Training is subjective. What I mean by that is that very rarely is a person going to run into one method or system that works or is even suitable for every submissive. Its just not going to happen. There are to many variables to consider for one tried and true method to exist. A rough guideline perhaps, but not a whole playbook so to speak.

And besides that in my mind, as I said, training is very subjective. To both the dominant and the submissive. This is because each dominant will specialize their training for their submissives. What they desire and what they want out of them.  This is why whenever I see offers to "train" people I kind of cringe a little bit. Rightfully so in a lot of cases as it seems to be just some backdoor attempt at getting a hold of the boy or girl in question.

You can however teach general basic information. Forms, basic almost universal protocols and things of that nature. Or you can train in a certain aspect (say tea service for example) but beyond general or very specific task and service oriented subject matter. You really can't.

A lot of this is becuase training of a submissive by a dominant is very personal and is tailored to that submissive. Not only to mold them into what the dominant wants them to be, but to aide them in reaching their maximum potential. To teach them how to best let themselves out and be open and proud of who and what they are.

And to me, at its very core that is what training is about. Acceptance. Accepting who and what they are and growing, flourishing and expanding, within their role. Training is more about learning about themselves, what they are capable of, and how much potential they have within themselves.

True there is ritualism, tasks to complete, orders to obey. And a lot of them may or may not make sense to the submissive at the time. But it is about building within them and their dominant.  To me that is why 'training' is so difficult to do in more than a general or overly specialized sense.

How can you train a submissive to be a submissive when their relationship or future relationship may very well (and probably will ) dictate changes to that. And not only that, I can tell from personal experience how much of a nightmare it can be to correct faulty assumptions and just plain wrong ideas given to a submissive by someone else.  Guiding a submissive in who and what they are can be difficult enough (though very much worthwhile) without adding on having to correct behavior instilled upon them by someone else.

And thats not even counting the difficulty for the submissive going through the training just in a general sense. Because it is in general a new experience for htem. Even if they have been in realtionships before, there are a lot of personal quirks and tastes taht go into each person that may or may not have been evident in previous relationships.

And for those new, the stress and constant struggle to let go of what amounts to their freedom, the struggle to focus and become  what the dominant sees within and desires them to be can be difficult enough without them having to endure being taken advantage of by someone else previously under the guise of "training"

Very subjective.

Dominance

This is who I am.

It is a role I play.

No switch to turn off when the fun is over.

No mere game that I play.

This is who I am.

Being a dominant means a lot of things. And truth be told it takes a lot of hard work to truly be a dominant in the D/s or M/s sense of the word. Because to be honest, a dominant personality archtype is not really all that uncommon. You only have to look at nature to see that. Its part of the human primal nature as well. If you look at any group setting, any relationship in fact, there is always that one dominant partner. It's just human nature. The stronger personality type will inevitably become the dominant one.

But in a D/s or M/s sense, there is more to it than that. Having a dominant personality cannot be taught. Its simply who a person is or is not, and it can very well be situational depending on who a person is with and where they are at.

That isnt what I'm talking about though. In a BDSM context, a dominant means somthing similar but altogether different at the same time.  There is a misconception amongst those I have met, some when starting out and some who never grow out of it, that being a dominant (or a master/mistress/what have you) means pretty much getting a submissive/slave and doing what you want so to speak. It's all fun and games after all right?

To be honest I have never seen it that way. And neither have any of the people of whom I have come across that hold the same viewpoint as me (or a variation) of "this is who I am".  Being a dominant in this sense takes a lot of time and effort. And it is a great deal of responsibility. Playtime can very well take a backseat very frequently because of it.

As a dominant, you have another person to look after in a way that most 'vanilla' relationships cannot really comprehend. Same basics, different mechanics. Taking on a submissive/slave is never, should never, be an easy task. It's literally something that you have to work for and keep up with constantly. You can't really just slap a collar on someone and then rest on your laurels so to speak. If you try, you are going to fail. And fail miserably.

Being a dominant means that you have to look after their wants, needs, desires, and wellbeing and do so with a great amount of care and selflessness. Yes, they are giving you the submission that you need, crave, cannot live without. But at the same time to be successful at what it is you are doing in regards to this, you cannot take without giving that dominance , and attention, in return.

Because submissives do need a lot from their dominants that believe it or not do not have anything at all to do with playtime, fantasies or sexuality in any shape or form.

Bear in mind, these are just basics here, and are formed from what I have seen, drawn from my experiences and the experiences of those others I have known.

A submissive needs communication. This isn't just keeping in touch, talking to them in general, etc, etc. Its more than that. As a dominant you have to provide the submissive with openness, honesty, clarity. You have to be able to talk to them on a level that you are able to give them the comfort and security that this provides. You have to be able to talk to them, tell them clearly what is on your mind, be able to clearly find out whats on their minds. Whats happening with them, how they are feeling. You can't be distant. You have to open them up, and open yourself up at the same time.

This is like any relationship, but being a dominant, being a master or a mistress means you have to work harder at it. You have to go deeper and establish that connection and keep it maintained. It means giving positive and when nescessary negative feedback. It means paying attention to what they are saying and not just hearing their words, but knowing their meaning as well. Never underestimate the effect of saying "good girl" for example. Positive feedback like that can do wonders.

Submissives need consistency from their dominant. Whatever rules you set out, whatever rituals you would ahve them observe, whatever consequences you have set in place. YOu have to be consistent and follow through on each and every one of them every time. Now, this doesn't mean thatyou cannot adjust or take circumstances into account, but you have to remain consistent in addressing each and every area of the submissive that they have given you that control over. If they screw up, as hard as it may be you have to deal with that. There may be extenuating circumstances, but that cannot be used as an excuse or a reason to not follow through. All things of that nature should do is temper what those consequences are going to be.

At the same time, consistency in rewards as well. This doesnt have to be gifts or things of that nature, though I'm certainly not against that concept, but consistency in rewards gives a sense of accomplishment, gives them pride, makes them feel more secure and self assured of their choices. A smile, a thank you, or good girl/boy etc, etc is positive affirmation. They did good, they have pleased you and you have to be consistent in showing that. Means also not taking that sort of thing, or anything to do with a submissive for that matter, for granted.

You need to be consistent in who you are and who they are.. I'll say it again, you have to be consistent with who you are and who they are. Everyone has an off day here and there. But you have to be consistent, especially when it comes to the roles within the relationship. Having a bad day, being upset, being unhappy, cannot be used as an excuse for forgetting who and what you are and they are within the relationship. Being in a bad mood for example does not excuse an attitude or forgetting certain things like forms of address and respect, things of that nature.

Because that ties in with the fact that a submissive needs reliability from their dominant. They need to be able to know that no matter what happens that they can count on you to be there. To be there for them through good and bad, and that you are there and stable for them to hold onto and take comfort from.

Things happen. Issues arise. Problems come down the line to throw them off balance. Knowing that their dominant is there, standing tall, firm and unwavering can be of great help. And even when it is merely a lifeline for them to grab onto and hold that small sliver of light close to them. Stability, reliability, consistency, and just knowing that you will be there no matter what means the world.

And sometime you ahve to give up what you want for them. A dominant needs to know that despite common outside views or what may or may not be the common misconceptiona nd stereotype, the submissive is a priority. Not just a priority, THE priority. Even above and beyond what you may want or need at times.

Because that is the nature of it. You are in command. You are in control. But they are your responsibility. To love, to cherish, to care for, to protect. To give them what they need even before yourself.

Dominance is knowing when to put them before you.

Punishment

This particular subject came to mind a few days ago as I introduced a friend to the infamous 128 Basic Slave Rules and then sat there snickering to myself at her reactions to them. If you haven't read them before and havent the faintest what I am talking about, a quick Google search will bring them up.

Keep in mind these things have been kicking around since at least '98, and they were ridiculed then, and unfortunately I ahve seen people recently just raving about them and recommending them to people as reality.  The 128 Slave rules is so wholly unrealistic and more fantasy than anything else..and bad fantasy at that if you ask me.

But it did bring to mind and induce a conversation about the punishment of submissives or slaves. Now, in my opinion, punishing a slave or submissive should not be something that is experienced or done with anything resembling regularity. To me there really should be no need for it to begin with as both parties are entering into that relationship willingly and as adults. And the submissive/slave chooses to submit themselves and earning a punishment on a regular basis seems to defeat that purpose.

Not to mention the fact that if there is a need to punish the submissive/slave then that is more of a failing on the dominant's part than it is the submissive. IF a dominant has to punish a submissive, they either aren't paying attention to the signs, they were unclear, or worse unreasonable in what they are asking.

To often I see people requesting ideas on how to punish their submissives, what methods to use etc etc. Annoyingly so as most of them seem to be looking for something semi-eroticised as a form of punishment. Which again, kinda defeats the whole intent. So lets look at a bit of reality here.

In my perspective in any case.

Let me be clear, I loathe punishment and loathe punishing submissives/slave outside of a 'you've been a naughty little girl now get over my lap' kind of way. I see it to be self defeating. If you punish someone for a behavior or action, all you are instilling is a fear of the punishment. You take a whip to someone for doing something wrong, they're going to be not doing that because they don't want to be whipped not because they want to submit and please you. And that is an important aspect to look at.

That and I enjoy using certain implements in a fun (albiet sadistic) manner, so doing the exact same things I do for pleasure as a form of a punishment tends to send mixed messages. And thats never good.

What I prefer however, is something that the military terms "Corrective Action". Which is a good term because it helps give definition to what is trying to be conveyed. As a dominant you are trying to correct the behavior, not punish and thereby breed a little bit of resentment here and there.

What is being done with corrective action, is seeking out the root cause of the behavior, and looking to solve that issue, removing it and thereby correcting. Think of it this way, a dominant and submissive are out at an event and the submissive starts acting out in whatever innappropriate way. Now a dominant could take the girl home and beat the hell out of her, stand her in the corner, lecture her etc. But really what is that going to really accomplish. OR worse, they could do that sort of thing on the spot.

For me, the proper course of action would be to take the girl someplace private and to address the matter. What this would entail is finding out what is going on with her, and what is causing that sort of behavior. YOu have to be able to find out what is going on. Maybe someone said something that upset them, or did something. Maybe there are bad feelings, bad thoughts going on in their heads, maybe something they saw or heard brought back memories.  The point is, you have to find out.

And its important to be careful of the manner of how things are being done here. A stern angry voice and hostile body language is not going to help. A firm and even tone however may very well be nescessary. Depending on what the root cause is, the submissive may very well be somewhat reluctant to speak of it for various reasons.

Now say that the girl was acting up becasue of somethign she heard or was said to her and it put her in a bad headspace. Well that's a situation that is somewhat (and I say somewhat becasue the situation could be far more involved than just bad feelings over something said) easy to remedy ( and by extension correcting the cause of the behavior) by say monitoring and controlling exposure to certain people or situations.

Granted that is an easy example, and a lot of time it is not going to be that easy. But the basic concept is there. And along with that the submissive/slave needs to be made aware of what is and is not acceptable and has consequences (more on that in a sec). Part of corrective action is making sure that things like that do not occur again, so after finding out what the problem is, taking steps to remedy the solution, it has to be instilled in the submissive that when things like that start to occur/or occur in the future, that the best way of dealing with them is probably to inform their dominant in whatever method is agreed upon. In my opinion, being silent and just bearing whatever is going on that is causing problems doesn't help and is a breakdown of not only communication, but trust and the whole workings of the dynamic between the dominant and submissive.

If someone is under my control, that includes the bad parts as well as the good parts. And keeping the bad parts from me and burying them within themselves actually I find quite aggravating. If there are triggers that casue certain emotions or memories (even if they dont know they are triggers) I need to know when they happen so I can ensure to be mindful of those things. As much of a sadist as I am, emotional pain and suffering does not amuse me in the slightest.

Now as for consequences, I'm again not talking about physical consequences such as taking a switch to them. A loss of privliges work just as well, and to me should be coupled with something that makes them mindful and that they can actually and legitimately learn from. Say you take away computer privliges for a set time, for heavens sake give them something else to do in its place that they can learn from . Writing assignments are good for this. Coupled with reading/research they can be very effective tools.

Using the example used above, the submissive could research and write about say communication as it pertains to that situation. As long as it is understood that it has to be full disclosure. No holding back anything, whether good or bad within the writing becasue it is a learning experience after all. For both parties involved.

All of this is designed (and should be personlized by the dominant to suit themselves) to be corrective rather than punishing. Correct and learn so that what occured does not occur again.

And for reference, answering the question "Why did you do this / What is going on " with 'I don't know" is not really an acceptable answer. At least not in the long run becasue to be honest sometimes they won't know at first and the issue needs to be analyzed.  But still, its not an answer that should really be accepted outright.

And I think I done enough rambling for right now.

I should pay more attention.

Most of the time, when I get an urge to write, or have been thinking about something, etc etc, I simply just sit down and write and by and large fail to pay attention to much else. When I write everything else tends to fade out to the edges at times.

In any case, I noticed I have followers now. Something new as I don't recall that ever happening before. So, I bid you welcome, and please feel free to comment about anything I write...especailyl for clarification. I have a hard enough time understanding myself at times so I hardly expect anyone else to *grins*

Shadow

Random Rambling that pours from my brain.

It occurs to me that oft times I have a little to much mental wandering time. And I mean that my mind often wanders from one subject to the next and back again whilst I'm working for example. Most of the people I work with would most likely be horrified by the thoughts that swirl around in my head, but truthfully I would think they'd know me well enouh by now to expect that sort of thing. I'm not exactly secretive about my depravity, just the overall level of it.

In any case, after a conversation I had yesterday, it got me thinking today about certain things.  There is an aweful lot of stereotyping that goes on. Granted this is in general, can't often get away from it in fact, but I mean more of a specific instance. And along with this goes a lot of expectations I think too.

What I mean is this, and it is something I have often wondered about. What image do you conjure up when you think of the terms ( as far as BDSM goes) dominant and submissive. Generally you'll more likely get two sets of images for both going roughly along gender lines. And it is those images that I've always wondered about.

Mostly because, well look at it this way, you get a brand new submissive girl, just starting out and learning. Are her responses and excitement to activities such as spanking, items such as whips and chains, are they genuine attractions, or are they more along the lines of "this is what submissive women enjoy so therefore I enjoy them". The same can be said for the whole "I identify as dominant so therefore I must enjoy tying people up and whipping them into jello"

Part of this is becuase the logical portion of my mind can't quite wrap around the fact that it is a near impossibility that every single person who is into BDSM in any of its varying aspects automatically is just enthralled and craving that sort of thing.

I'd personally expect a bit of wide eyed curiosity about things like beign dragged over a dominants lap for a spanking when first doing some self exploration, but a general overall enjoyment from the get go just does not seem right to me.

Granted there is a lot to be said from exploration and experience, but there is also I think the factor of a learned or conditioned response. I've found that there is very little activity wise that cannot be at least in some way eroticised. I can recall in fact experiencing the fact first hand that new submissive types in new relationships with a dominant will tend to eroticise just about everything. Even the most mundane tasks.

But the whole pain thing is subjective. I've known just as many self proclaimed painsluts as I ahve those who jsut enjoy light sensation play. So while it does cover a wide range along the spectrum, it is still there.

Now on a different aspect of the same topic, is bondage. Now I like to think of bondage in general as far as it relates to this subject as being freedom in chains. Which is a good enough term I think.

As it was described to me, being in chains means that you cannot resist or escape the fact that these are the things that you enjoy. It allows a certain freedom to literally be yourself, ignoring all the societal and cultural pressures that can arise from enjoying things that society as a whole generally considers taboo or even wrong.  After all, women (or men for that matter) are not supposed to enjoy that sort of thing.

But like it was told to me, all chained up you really can't run away and hide from the fact that you do enjoy it. You have to almost literally face and accept it. Which once done, gives a tremendous amount of freedom. Which is understandable.

Embrace and accept who you are freely and without worry. Even if its only for a little while.

On Service and Bottoming...because I couldn't really think of a catchy title.

Bear in mind this is my opinion. It does not make what I say either right or wrong, it simply makes it my opinion and how I tend to view things. Take that as you will.

I try not to get to much into labels, other than the ones I personally self identify with. For everyone else I see labels pretty much in the same manner. As long as the terminology is actually understood, what another person self identifies as is of course their own business and I try not to get to involved in that sort of thing.

 But the terminology is the key to this. If a person is using the word incorrectly, no matter what the word happens to be, then they are using it incorrectly.

This is something that I had been thinking about on and off throughout the day since I noticed a posting on a message board that I cam across last night. Which subsequently made my eyes bleed reading through the thread until I felt my brain was going to explode.

The long and short of the posting was someone complaining that all the service and submission was getting in the way of all the sex and that how dare people who actually want something of a relationship that isn't based solely on carnal activities 'hijack this lifestyle'.

Now, this made me think quite a bit. Mostly because said person self identified as a submissive yet through their words and opinions was clearly anything but. Don't get me wrong. There wholly nothing wrong with being a sexual bottom, but the useage of the incorrect terminology bothered me a little bit. Not to mention throwing in that line about the lifestyle being hijacked.

Let me be clear about this. Topping or bottoming is an activity. A fun one at that. But unless it is somethign that is done on a daily basis (and I would venture on a continual basis throughout the day) it really does not qualify as a lifestyle. D/s or M/s on the otherhand are most certainly lifestyles by any definition of the word.

That and disparaging any sort of service that does not involve sexual gratification and to infer as well taht it is ruining everything is beyond stupid in my opinion. I'm a firm believer in that everyone has a right to their opinions (with a caveat that they at least be factually based) but there are some instances that seem to stretch this belief quite a bit. Especialyl ones that I find incredibly stupid not to mention arrogant and ill informed.

BDSM by its nature and definition is wide ranging in the topics that it covers. Dominance and Submission being one of the letter pairings after all. And I think that there seems to be a lot of friction as of late between those that see this as a way to live their life with their partner(s) and those who are just looking for the thrill of it. And again there is nothing wrong with either side of the equation, but it seems to me that there is a lot of problems and misconceptions with the definitions.

To me, a top and a bottom I see as being almost equal partners. Though the top directs the whole scene unfolding, any submission going on by the bottom is purely for the gratification of both. Granted this is an extreme simplification of the dynamic that goes on, but ultimately I think it works.

A submissive I think is a wholly different animal. At its core I believe that submission is about service in some fashion or another. And that service is what makes it different. A submissive does not switch off after play time like a bottom might for example. Bottoming is an activity, submissive is what a person is or is not.

When I say service, I mean a lot of things. Yes there is a sexual aspect to it at times, and why not sex happens to be delightful, but it is more than that. If you take away the sexual aspect and remove it from the equation entirely, a submissive is still going to be submissive. They are still going to be looking for and needing the relationship dynamic that goes along with a dominant/submissive or master/slave relationship.

It is about control, discipline, belonging and being fulfilled by fulfilling another person or persons as the case may be. Submission in my opinion is more mentally focused and driven. After all, I'd venture to guess that there are few dominants out there that are not aware of the power and impact a simple raised eyebrow can have on a submissive. Or that subtle change in the tone of ones voice, or that one particular 'look'.

The displeasure of a dominant (without the physical correction that may or may not follow) has just as much a profound of an impact on a submissive as does their pleasure and approval. It goes down to the core of their being. It is not something in my experience that can be simply turned off. At the very least not without a great deal of difficulty.

Like I've said before, many times in fact, I can very easily refill my own coffee cup. But turning and seeing my mug 'magically' refilled and jsut the way I like it will almost always make me smile, acknolwedge and appreciate the gesture.

Service is after all, not so much about the big things, but it is about the little things. The take the initiative attention to detail little odds and ends that for a lot of people may go unnoticed or even worse taken for granted.

Now, a bottom is not better than a submissive and a submissive is not better than a bottom. You really cannot realistically compare the two. It's the old apples and oranges thing. IF you are looking purely superficially, they are similar in some ways. But it is beneath that where the differences are and, in my opinion, where the submissive is going to shine brightest. And I say that in a purely biased and personal preference type of way. It's what I prefer so I tend to view them both in differing lights.

Either way, enjoy what you do, be proud of who and what you are in this and be fully confident in the choices for your life that you make. Don';t let anyone tell you any differently...unless you really want to in which case go for it.

I fail to see the point of doing otherwise is in any case. I know I certainly don't please every person with who I am and what I do, and frankly I could give a damn less about what most people think. I don't do a lot of things the way that others do, nor do I feel the same way as what I adoringly call the 'party line' (don't get me started).

Point is, unless there is a danger, a real danger that is, be you and let everyone else be themselves. Life is to short to go around doing anything else.

Shadow

Post Munch

I'm remembering why I have always been so annoyed by daylight savings time. Despite the fact that at the very least the fall back portion of daylight savings time is infinitely better than the 'Spring Forward' portion.

In any case, the extra time in bed, notice I did not say sleeping because I was awake most of the night in a kind of on off daze, gave me a bit of time to process a lot of things that have been going on as of late.

Surprisingly enough, going to the munch this time, by myself, was a new and ultimately positive experience. Granted for the most part I simply sat and observed. Listening and paying attention to as much as was going on around me as possible. i do this for many reasons. The first being that I am more able to learn of my surroundings and the people that encompass those surroundings by listening. Not just to what is being said, but how it is being said. The subtle body language cues and things of that nature that make up human interaction.

The second being that in truth unless I know the people around me, more than just passing aquaintance wise, interjecting myself into their social dynamic is to me somewhat rude and uncomfortable. I may make a few comments here and there, answer when asked a question or spoken too, but I rarely if ever volunteer anything.

I could say that this is a response to being burned one to many times from various situations throughout my life, which is a part of it yes, but truthfully that is just part of my nature. I don't need to be the center of attention after all, and lets face it being in the shadows plotting tends to suit me more anyways hehe.

But this time was different, and I think I can attribute that to meeting someone there who is more similar to me than...well to be honest the vast majority of the worlds population. It was a good time and had a nice conversation about such a wide range of topics (mostly geeky fun type stuff) and it actaully made the whole experience enjoyable.

There wasn't a lot of lifestyle-esque talk going on other than a few snippets here and there, but then again there hasn't been much if any at all in any of the other ones I went to either. Which is ok. Well to some extent anyways. Its all well adn good to relax and enjoy the company of like minded individuals, but I suppose a little bit more of the twisted evil amusement types of stuff wouldnt be amiss either.

That being said, there are definately a few things here and there that I want to think more upon and get into further so to speak.

It definately makes it easier to get involved when there is someone there that makes it easier to open up a bit more than usual.

We'll see.

Now I jsut have to wait for my claws to arrive in the mail some time this week and see how all of that goes.

Shadow

Dominant Traits/Needs Pt. 1

                I’ve been thinking quite a bit about certain things as of late. A lot of it has to do with some of the books I’ve been starting to reread, and part of it has to do with other thoughts swirling into my head.

                Now over the years, as well as a few lately, I have seen quite a few lists, thesis, etc. on what purports to be the ‘Qualities of a Dominant’ or something to that effect.  There are a variety of titles to such things, but in the end they all seem to fall into one of two categories. (With full disclosure some do seem to be more genuine).

                These two categories are A: Overly idealistic prose written by submissives that overly romanticizes and idealizes what a dominant apparently should be. The problem with these types of things is that they tend to be almost purely fantasy and written in such a way that there are no way the vast majority of dominant types could possibly live up to these lists. These are the white knights in shining armor.

                The second type is the ones written by dominant types (and with a lot of what I have seen I do use that term in the loosest sense).  While they do tend to contain a lot of the same elements that those written by submissives have, they tend to however be less romanticized in their writing. Unfortunately, the problem with most of these as well is that they also tend to be unrealistic, but more than that, there is this underlying current within them that says something to the effect of ‘I the dominant writing this have all of these qualities’. If it is realistic and feasible, there is nothing with that sort of undertone. But like I said, most of these seem unrealistic and overly idealized.

                I prefer to live within reality. I will however say this much, as far as these types of lists or essays go these are admirable qualities to look up to and to strive towards.  Everyone should strive to improve themselves and to be honest these lists are something that should be worked towards. Fulfilling them however is another thing.

                I have thought about this a lot, and I think I have come up with a list of my own that more fits what in my opinion is a more reality based type of thing.  So is my list of qualitiesque things that a dominant should possess to be successful in their role and place in their chosen lifestyle.  Probably a work in progress that I’ll expand upon from time to time.

#1 Control

                A dominant should be in control. And I’m not talking about control of a submissive (as that comes later) but in control of themselves and their lives.  To be on control of someone else, you need to be in control of yourself and have your life, your feelings, your emotions and social interactions worked out beforehand.  Master yourself before you master anyone else.

                To be blunt, the wellbeing, both emotionally and physically, not to mention the growth of a submissive or a slave is dependent on the dominant being able to keep a certain equilibrium within themselves. Reacting badly to some situations can be severely damaging to this sort of relationship, so a dominant needs to be in control of themselves enough to be able to choose how they react, and to be able to choose the correct reaction.

#2 Confidence

                This should be somewhat self-explanatory. A dominant needs confidence. In themselves, in their abilities and in who/what they are. That isn’t to say that this needs to be to the point of an overblown ego, but they do need to be confident in what it is they do.

                And part of this is being confident in the skills they have, the tools they use, and the methods that they employ. A lot of this comes from experience. The sort of been there, done that enough to know what the hell I’m doing, type of thing.

                I’ve heard a lot of people refer to this as kind of an aura or something that the dominant seems to project around them. Confidence ties into control and in fact quite a few other things as well. If a person is confident, and proud of who and what they are it shows in their bearing, their actions, and their words.

#3 Ethics

                This is a difficult one to tie down. Simply because a lot of people may equate this, and even name it something along the lines of honor, proper protocol or something similar, and truthfully, ethics does tend to be a cultural construct.

                What I mean however is being able to pretty much discern between right and wrong, fair and unfair, good and bad. A dominant needs to be very careful in this regard, and be mindful of what this entails. How a dominant interacts with submissives for example makes this integral. A dominant has to know, and be quite clear, about what is and is not ethical behavior.

                Most people know that hitting on a collared submissive is unethical, not to mention rude and sometimes very dangerous.  But ethics also has to do with ‘Do no harm’. Which has so much meaning within so many different categories it’s not even funny.   Including the most important three (in my opinion) mental, physical and emotional harm.

                And there are two phrases that I like that kind of describe my general without getting into specifics view of ethics. Leave them better off than you found them, and, Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Yes I know that last is a religious type quote, but it fits regardless even if I don’t necessarily agree with the whole organized religion thing.

#4 Knowledge

                Very important. To be blunt..again. Know what the fuck you are doing and talking about damn it. But it’s more than that. There is this feeling that to be a good dominant you have to have experienced the submissive side of things. And while this does have its merits, unless you are gay or a lesbian, you really are not going to get the full effect. Male submissives are different than female submissives. They think differently, have different motivations and different triggers. A male dominant experiencing submission himself is not going to really understand a female submissive in that sense.  But it can be a good start.

                Also however, like I said, know what you are doing. I like the example (even if I didn’t like the actual event) of how the police and military train their people on pepper spray. To understand how someone else is going to react to it, so you know how to react and deal with it, you have to be sprayed in the face.

                And in that regard I fully agree with that. Me personally I know what each and every one of my whips, crops and other items of that nature feel like at varying degrees of force. And I know how to wield them properly.

                Practice Practice Practice.

                This is important. I know how each implement feels. And because of that I have a good idea of how it’s going to feel being laid out across the bared backside of a submissive..mmmm…ahem

                This allows me to judge and gauge my actions and reactions to their reactions. Do I lessen the force, move on to another item, or continue along the path. I know what determines what and how much just slacking off on the force just a little bit will do. What impact it will have.

                Again, practice makes perfect. Preferably practice not on an actual person other than yourself if necessary.

Please be quiet, grown ups are talking.

I keep getting almost daily reminders of why I choose not to participate in many online discussion forums anymore.

As I have stated in the past, I just do not find much in common with the vast majority of people involved in wahtever discussions are being had on said forums. A lot of this is due to the fact that, yes, my views often conflict with what is considered the status quo. And I believe it is that status quo, the groupthink, or the 'accepted' definition of this or that, which makes my teeth hurt and makes me envision opening up the top of my head and scooping out whatever brain cells that will remember reading some of the things I've seen.

Truthfully, I do not get a lot of what I see or read. Not meaning comprehension, in which case I do very well comprehend what is being said, I just don't understand what passes for logic that promotes a lot of what I read or see.  Personally, I find that people have far to many stupid ideas about what is what or how things work. And the sad part is that because of groupthink and trying to fit in with whatever clique seems to be in charge of whatever group, some really bullshit ideas get perpetuated and anythign that runs counter to that "standard" gets jumped on with alarming frequency.

Now, I can't stand any sort of elitism. Never have been one to fit in with any crowd in particular in any case and much prefer to be off in my own world so to speak, but I think a lot of what goes on with discussion groups, and groups in genreal as it pertains to anything M/s or BDSM in general does effect the whole and does not stay confined to just the group that it comes from.

Now I may not be the most open minded person in the world, but I do accept that people may have different views than I have. It's just human nature. I just don't have to agree with these other views. But there are times when the overwhelming level of stupidity just makes my eyes roll into the back of my head so much and so often I think my eyes are going to burst just from the strain.

Case in point. Fetlife is a very good and unique site for what it offers. I do think it goes to far at times in the whole freedom of expression and open minded open arms type of thing. To me, not everyone deserves to have a say or to have their voice heard if that voice is used to promote erroroneous thought and philosophy. Despite common accepted thought, not everyones thoughts and opinions are just as valid as the next persons. A little bit of knowledge on a subject a person is spouting off on would be helpful in this case.

But on to the point. There is a group there, which I have left recently becasue I just had nothign in common with them despite the title and goals of the group, devoted to those who are of a kinky mindset and a polyamorous mindset.  Now, the thing I want to point out is that the group is stated to basically be not one or the other, but both. Now granted kinky is a loaded term that can mean a lot of things. However, there is a general consensus on a site like Fetlife of what that entails and what is covered under that.

On a recent thread in which a girl had something to say about her D/s and poly relationship where prospective partners had to be screened and vetted by the primary dominant partner. Her concern was that after speaking with people, they seemed to refuse to take that next step and speak with the dominant about going further.  Seems pretty straight forward to me.

Problem being that the vast majority of the respondants seemed to find it horrifying that in a D/s or M/s relationship that such a thing would be a requirement of the poly aspect of their relationship. Most of them having a "how dare he" sort of tone to them. One of which going so far as to make the assertion that the dominant in question was trying through that to make the other people submit to him through this.

Really. Are these people fucking serious? If you do not understand how a dynamic works, in this case a dominant and submissive relationship with tones of poly into it, if its not asking questions to further your understanding, shut the fuck up with your ill informed unknowledgable opinions. Seriously. I don't know a damn thing about the engine of a car, so I do try to avoid telling the mechanic that fixes them on a day to day basis that how dare he try and tell me that it's the transmission when in my opinion its not.

If you do not understand something, learn (or at least make an attempt), or keep your mouth shut and not spout off rants about something you know nothing about. I totally understand the dominant in the relationships stance in this matter. In a committed power exchange relationship, just because you add poly into the mix does not mean that certain things are tossed out the window.

I'm a dominant myself. In a relationship. It is well within my purview to institute such restrictions on my own relationship if I saw a need or desired. One, because that is part of the job description. I look out for and protect as best as I can. Two, that is kinda how the dynamic works. If I am not the ultimate authority (when applicable) of just about everything in the relationship then something has gone astray. I just do not feel the need to do so in obvious ways most of the time. I excercise my will differently.

The thing is , I personally do not feel a need to involve myself in that sort of descision when it comes to chel's other relationships at the moment. She is an adult. And while I could, I don't becasue I trust in her adult judgement and know that her views on thing sof this nature are similar enough to mine not to cause much of an issue.  That being said, I'm quite sure she knows and understands that if I ever felt a genuine need to step in at some point, I would. She may not altogether appreciate it, but she would understand why.

That and I have no need to exert authority or power for granstanding or ego purposes. Just not in me. How people see me has no impact on me.  But that is what people need to understand. In a general poly relationship, yeah having ot ask the primary for permission is a little out there. But when you add in the dominant and submissive dynamic into it, it's not only acceptable in general, it is just how things work. And it really has less to do with respect of my relationship and status than it does with safety. I'm by far the nicest person in the world in general, especially when it comes to protecting someone I care about. I'm not someone you want to get on the bad side of. I'm a sadist after all and one who is very imaginative and knows where to hide the bodies.

Point being, if you are not in a D/s relationship, and/or never have been in one, you really cannot speak about or cast dispersions on the way someones relationship works if they are in one. You're jsut speaking about things you don't know a damn thing about. And it just reinforces my own personal belief that you're an idiot who needs to put that high horse back into the stable and leave it alone for a while.

What you have works for you, what they have works for them. For fucks sake stop trying to put your morals and beliefs onto other peoples relationships. Its bad enough that forums and discussion grouips are filled will elitest cliques who seem to think they get to deciede what is right and what isn't, and what relationship is valid and true and what isn't. No need to add talking out your ass to the mix any more than nescessary. 

But then again it is the internet so that is probably not going to change much. Ever.

Some people are just to stupid to own computers.

Precedence

There is a precedence to things. I.E., some things will always take precedence to other things. Sort of a prioritizing kind of situation.

Right now, most everything for me is put on hold. Shunted to the back of my mind and locked away for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I worry about certain things (or people rather) so I put myself into standby mode.

Right now Chel worries me a lot. Her being in the hospital at the moment does not help things much, in fact it flips things into the opposite of helping. But that is alright because her and her health take precedence over...well pretty much everything else. I do have other responsibilities that I cannot slack on, school and work being the two most obvious, but everything else takes a back seat. And even those two things are conditional on what is going on at the moment.

Relationship wise, I love her and she is well aware of that fact, and  I know she loves me. That's fine. Nothign wrong in that regard. Only, with who I am and what I need out of things, there should be more to it. Granted that statement can be taken the wrong way, but that isn't quite what I mean. It's not that I am unsatisfied or anything of that nature, it is just that some times I feel there is a need, for the greater good (and for her own well being) that I need to back off a bit in certain areas and let things in that regard coast for a while.

Not that I don't think constantly of coming home, grabbign her by her hair and throwing her on the bed and doing despicable things to her until we're both exhausted and unable to move, but that is not what is in my mind needed at the moment And I don;t want to do more hamr than good so to speak.

*sigh*

You'd think that at this point in my life I would have had enough experience with things of this nature to know what to do. Well, I do and I don't. I've learned long ago that there are a lot of things that it is better at times for me to simply withhold and keep to myself. And for the most part, these kinds of desires at the moment are one of them. There is enough stress in both of our lives at the moment without adding onto it.

Though, it may be a relief of stress in and of itself. Besides that I like working things out for myself in my own time and in my own head most of the time. And I've learned that sometimes its better to just keep quiet. I do that quite frequently with family members as it is. You're at that limit, you want to say something, but you know it will just make things a hell of a lot worse.

I know I don't have the best job in the world right, but it is something I am good at and do well in, despite the fact that I am making a change in that regard anyways. I could say something, because frankly I'm tired of hearing about it and getting all the comments nonstop (which is a long list of things I have to deal with in regards to backhanded comments and complaining I have to deal with) but I know it would not do any good. SO I just shut the hell up and ignore it as best I can.

I have a lot of things going on that just pile the stress onto my shoulders. But I'm used to it, don't particularly like or enjoy it, but I'm used to it. So I keep quiet about everything and focus my attention on other things.

That is what I am here for. That is what I do. I could go on a rant and let the world know jsut how tired of everything I am and to just for fucks sake leave me alone just for once. But I don't because it's not who I am. Probably why some people think I'm just one incident away from going postal and taking everyone out....not that I've planned it out or anything and am just waiting on the shipment to arrive or anything hehe.

But to make the point, yes I have issues (so say the psychiatrists...and everyone else for that matter), but so does everyone. Mine are only special because they are mne. And right now, other things take priority over dealing with what I have to for me, and what I want/would like.

Right now everything else is unimportant. She takes up priority and getting her where she needs to be. Everything else will fall into place eventually. I'm not an optomist, I'm just persistant.

Loving Dominant, so dissapointed.

Now it may be just me, but with all the recommendations I have heard over the years for the book "The Loving Dominant", I actually expected quite a bit more than what it actually is. Not to take anything away from John Warren or anything as I have read quite a few of his articles here and there on this and that.

The problem comes in when the book is not at all what I expected it to be. In fact, it is quite a bit less than what I expected it to be and what the title suggests that is within the pages of the book. What makes it worse is that right on the cover has a little subtitle calling it "new and improved".

Good gods, how bad was it beforehand?

Its not a bad book, from what I have read of it, but it is...well its just not what I was looking for. When I think of a book entitled "Loving Dominant" I sorta somewhat expect essays and treatise and things of that nature on the various facets of a D/s type of relationship. Theory and philosophy so to speak. And that is not what I found.

Oh that part is in there, for all of maybe ten pages, but its very glossed over in favor of "this is how you play with this toy" which takes up well over 95 percent of the book. Very dissapointed. I know very well how to play and how to use all the various impliments gone over in the book as I have a good deal of them myself. And if I wanted a How-to type of toy manual I would have gone out and got one.

What I expected was a book that focused on the relationship aspect and the power exchange and things of that nature, not what I actually got. What I expected was a book on Dominant and submissive relationships, not a top and bottom play manual.

And the fuck of it is, John and Libby Warren, at the very least in this book, make any relationship based on D/s or what have you, seem to be limited and relegated only to the play aspect and nothing else. Not only is that disengenous, its insulting.

I'm going to finish the book all the way through, probably thinking the whole time that "Screw the Roses" is a much better book for this sort of thing as well as a great many other aspects, but I'm gonna finish the damn thing.

And I so hope that the other book I have on order is a more satisfying buy. My recommendation, is unless you really don't know anything about BDSM, D/s, M/s or any of that sort of thing. You're better off passing this book by. Its not going to be helpful to anyone looking for a real relationship that doesn't focus solely on the playtime S/M aspects.

Toys, Toys, Toys, (BDSM Toy Review)

Ok I got two new toyish items in today, with good review on one and a somewhat mixed review on the other. But for as inexpensive as they were, you really can't complain to much and you have to adhere to the old adage of 'you get what you pay for." And truthfully I never though of Amazon selling these sorts of things anyways, and I general procure online from either Subshop or JT's. But for the price I figured I couldn't really lost much but some time and a bit of change.

But for what its worth, here goes. First up on the block. This was billed as a Genuine Leather Riding Crop. And oddly enough thats what the tag says its made out of too. That and being made in India.

First impressions, looks m ore like a quirt you'd use to hit elephants with while riding on a howdah.  And truthfully the looks on this thing are somewhat offputting.  It may be leather, I can't tell underneath all the black spraypaint. And the braids on it go from tight braids at the handle, somewhat large and loose at the center to tight and narrow towards the tip. The whole thing sfeels liek there is something like a wire of something on the inside of it too to help it keep its shape.

Outside of the tip, which is very poorly made, so is the loop handle by the way, I think the $5 I paid for this was a bit overpriced.  I myself expect crops to be rigid and sturdy while being flexible and easy to use. This one though, while it is extremely flexible, and it does make a nice whirring sound when it swishes through the air, is perhaps to flexible. I'm almost afraid that any sort of normal to semi strenuous use and the whole thing is going to fall apart on me.

I'll have to test it a little more when chel gets here, just for...experimental purposes..yeah..sounds good enough like a plausible reason...but my initial impression is that this is for the most part more of a prop than anything else.  Still for five buck, really can't complain to much. But I'd recommend against buying this if you're in any sort of serious play.

Next up though, and I really like this item, is the Wrist and Ankle Restraint Bar. Also from Amazon but a little bit more expensive. But not to much.

Now this one is of the nylon and velcro variety of restraints. Not escape proof by any means, but truthfully if the one you're putting int his wants to escape either you aren't doing somethign right or you just aint got what it takes to make them stay put by sheer force of your awesomeness and willpower alone....ok that was a bit much. Still though.

The nylon itself is pretty sturdy actually, and the two metal strips that are inside of the nylon bar part are pretty strong. Enough to keep in place, and have a lot of durability and longevity. Which is a good thing.

So nylon and velcro cuffs aren't the most hardcore. I do have metal restraints if I want to use them, but they're standalone types and not really hooked up to anything but themselves. Still are fun in their own right thougha dn there is just something about seeing that cool black metal on bare skin. oooooh.

What advantage this does have is the positions that people can be put into while in this set is what makes this item a keeper and one that I may have to pick up complimentary items for. Aside from what is pictured above. This is a perfect item for a semi hogtie-esque position and even an enforced ass up int he air doggy style type of position. On their knees, , head down, wrists locked to their ankles, ass in the air legs spread open type of thing. I can quite easily think of all sorts of horribly perverted and depraved things to do to someone in that position. For quite a lot fo time too.

It's definately not  for anything hardcore or extreme. Not a high ened item for heavy players so to speak. But it gets the job done and its quick and easy, portable and well built enough to be fun. And for $16.00, this is definately not anything to complain about pricewise either. Good price, good product and loads of fun. If you want something hard and metal taht your slave/toy can't escape from, this probably aint a good buy. But if its just for amusement and fun purposes outside of everything else you do, you really can't go wrong with this.

There is jsut so much potential in this item. Could it be better, probably. Wrist cuffs could use resizing after all. But then again I've made and bought other sets of metal on metal that could facilitate the same thing, but it's not always just about lockign someone down so they can't escape while you torment them. True thats loads of fun, but sometimes its just about the amusement and the fun you can have. Doesn't always have to be full on serious and hardcore after all.

Shadow

First Package (Toy Review)

Well the very first package has arrived. Unfortunately the present for my dad wasn’t in the box, and in fact nothing I’d really want him to see actually.  I’m sure he actually has quite a bit of an idea, he has seen the bamboo cane that I have hanging on my wall in my bedroom after all, and he’s not an idiot. I think its more of a situation of not wanting to know truthfully.

But what the package did contain was the first of toy shipments I ordered a while ago. Gotta use credit card for something might as well use it for stuff that amuses me.  Still got two new items coming but the first item was quite interesting.

Fun Fun Fun

 These are the Door Jam Cuffs.  Oddly enough I got them at Amazon. Who knew they sold sex toys and bondage gear. But they do. Some of it looks really good quality. Not as good as say JT’s Stockroom (which shocked me cause I didnt think about how close they were when I ordered from them and got surprised by next day delivery) but well enough.

These little items are for all those of us who really dont want to be putting eyehooks and bolts in the walls or ceiling, or simply just want portability with stuff we bind up the people we’re going to torment into subspace.

With Door Jam Cuffs, you just toss the anchors over the top of the door, close the door and you can hang a lucky slave in place and whip, tease and torment them into little quivering masses of red striped and welted flesh.

Muahaha.

Unfortunately, despite what the picture looks like, the cuffs arent detachable. Which is somewhat limiting but hey you never know, might be able to work somethign out, and truthfully, looking at how they are constructed, I can actually very easily make my own with a few wooden dowels, straps and some hardware and be able to hook up whatever (in addition to whoever) that I want to.

On another note, been talking to chel a lot lately. Well when she has her phone turned on and answers her text messages anyways. Looks like she’ll be coming down to see a friend in Venice beach some time around the first of the year, and possibly job hunting while she is here, will show her around up here too to see if she likes the area as she is very interested in moving up to this area. That will be a lot of fun.

Its amazing how just little things jsut seem to remind me of how special she is and always has been to me. Would love having her out here. But as always, I’ve learned to jsut take things as they come. If she does move down here, which actually I think would be the best for her considering certain situations. Might even introduce her to Kitten and go out to the Lair. Be interesting.

Ellie been worrying me and bothering  me lately though too. With everything been going on with her, she’s been getting really down and negative about everything and it bothers me. But it is good that she is getting back with some of her friends. Might get her mind off things and make her feel a little better.  So much has happened that I worry about her a lot. Even with my schedule of work and school not leaving me much time as I’d like. Not really sure what to do. Especially since the weather has gotten her sick a lot too.

Rainy Day Thoughts, With Toys

I despise rain. Moreso when I have to be out in it for over eight hours at a time with very few opportunities to get under cover and dry off even a little bit. But I did manage to find a few new ways to re-affirm to people that I’m not all there in the head (wearing a big yellow raincoat and telling people I was a Twinkie cause I was yellow on the outside and white on the inside) or just being aggravatingly annoying to them by standing in torrential rains and cheerfully wishing them a happy monday. They hate that.

Keanu Reeves by the way is a lot taller than I thought he would be. SCruffier too. Long hair and a long black beard. Not what Iw as expecting at all.

But during the few moments of reprieve I got I was able to think about a few things here and there. Thinking about the possibilities for the future in the home owners market, which I may have to look once again into the VA loan program. I served long enough they can give me a cheap loan damn it!

There are enough cheap and open places just in my own neighborhood that it shouldn’t be to much of a problem. The main problem I think will be the downpayment because the jackasses at the banks spent years giving loans out to people who they probably shouldnt have (at government insistance unfortunately) so the last time I was going to buy a place, they wanted a 10k down payment on a 30k place just because of all the other people who they gave money to that couldn’t pay.

Bleh

But on to a more interesting and fun topic..TOYS!

I was shopping around, window shopping really, at Extreme Restrains.  A rather neat little toyshop that while it looks a bit pricey, does look like it has some very high quality items to torment people with. One of the first things that I came across was the “Steel Impaler Tower”.  Now this really looks like a neat little torture device that I could so see putting a few girls into and keeping them in it for a while.

  Per the description: “Imagine having your partner locked inside this impaler tower. As you circle them, you admirably gaze at their locked in body. Their arms are bound behind them and their legs are locked into a folded position. You gently lean down and make sure that the steel dildo rod is firmly placed inside of them. Now when they move the dildo rod will move with them. Depending upon their angle and the height you place the dildo rod you can have it inside of a wet, hot pussy or an awaiting anus. The choice is yours. This is a high quality steel bondage device designed to offer a pleasurable experience for both partners”

Fun fun fun. Even if it is $375.00 it doesn’t look to bad. And actually looking at how its put together, as well as a few other items in their dungeon furniture line, Some of this could be very easy to replicate and probably a lot cheaper too. It would not be the first time that I have built a nasty little torture device to use on unsuspecting little subs and slaves.

The Back Stockade actually looks even easier to replicate should I have the desire too.  That would actually be a hell of a lot easier to build than most types of dungeon devices. Cheaper too if I were to use jsut a sturdy solid wood rather than metal too. But then agaoin I do like the look and feel of steel. It jsut seems more dungeony…is that a word…it is now.

And now for something completely different:

Now lets be honest here, this is fucking hot. A helpless girl strung up, stripped down and jsut waiting for her torment to begin. With the impliment to be used in that torment clenched so deliciously between her teeth. Now that is a nice image.

Muahaha

Discusion Groups and Forums

To be honest I’m really not sure why I bother with a great deal of the discussion groups and like minded forums that I have signed up for here and there. Either I quickly grow tired of the drama and one ups-manship that seems to be prevalent in BDSM themed boards and groups or the elitism of it all quickly wears on me and I find myself banging my head on the desk or rolling my eyes.

Can’t for the life of me figure out why near every single one of them claims to be welcoming and open-minded yet is so far from being either its near pathetic. Sad really how every single group I have seen or dipped my toes into has turned into a mirror of high school cliques and other things of that nature. But I suppose that is part of human nature and I don’t know why I keep expecting the BDSM crowd to be any different or above that sort of thing. After all these are the same people who hold up Laura Antinou as this icon despite the fact that she has said several times that she wrote the books she did to make fun of the BDSM crowd (and the politics involved in such that she engaged in and was apparently woefully inadequate as she got kicked out of a few groups because of).

Hell on Fetlife the main discussions in the groups I’m in seem to be either how LDR or this other type of relationship don’t work and you’re so doing it wrong, or how for example a couple looking for a third-party is sooo not poly and has no idea what they’re doing and are just ruining it for the rest of us ‘real’ people.

*sigh*

I actually try to get involved from time to time, share some of my experiences and what I’ve been through in some hope that someone, anyone might get even a small kernel of aid in whatever it is they are going through because of it. But for fucks sake the vast majority of people involved in any of them seem to be of the type that constantly denigrate anyone and everyone else because they alone know the key to how it all works.  Where does that come from.  When did posting a bunch of crap over a period of time give anybody that sort of right to tell people who kinda thing.

Now, to be honest, while there is no one true correct all-encompassing way to engage in a BDSM relationship. That being said, there are definitely quite a few ways not to do them and just as many people who should be chased away from the rest of us semi normal people because of the crap they try to pull. Just look at 99 percent of the profiles on Collarme or even Fetlife for that matter to see things that will make a person face-palm so much they’ll tattoo a hand print on their foreheads because of it.

Not quite what I’m talking about though. More about the people who actually do have a small measure of a clue but who seem to take that little shred and run off a cliff with it. I think it may just be an online thing.
I can recall being on the Internal Enslavement forums for a while, with a girl whom I’d know for quite a few years but was just starting to get into the first steps of an actual relationship. I was in New York she was in Virginia and the plan was for arrangements after she had finished her schooling with quite a few trips back and forth in between.  What started outa s a good set of forums on not only the concepts of internal enslavement and its philosophy, but actual experiences with its implementation, denigrated into the usual elitism where making fun of an insulting people because in their minds they weren’t ‘true’ was common place. Especially anything having any sort of facet of a LDR. Hell, I was flat-out told that despite the fact of coming off a ten-year live in relationship that I had nothing to say and that none of my opinions, thoughts or experiences had any merit because my girl at the time happened to temporarily live in a different state from me.

Hell, the Collarme forums are some of the worst for that, and that’s all backed up by a small group who band together to attack anyone who disagrees with them. Ok with a small social group like munches and things of that nature (another thing I won’t touch) having a general commonality of beliefs is to be expected.  But in a discussion group and a forum, to have a small number of people dictate what is politically correct and what is not for a mass of thousands and then enforce that with coordinated shutdowns is kinda mind-boggling that people who profess open-mindedness and even say there is no right way, act in just the exact opposite.

Now admittedly, I’m far from perfect, and a lot of my views (which I’ve gained from a lifetime of experience with this and that) are not going to be very popular with the teddy bear IRAB group. Hell I roll my eyes and groan inwardly (and outwardly) at the whole submission is a gift thing, let alone how I see the vast majority of prodommes.  This aint really give and take for me, and I don’t enjoy limitations et upon me and what I can and cannot do and with who. But then again I’m always open and upfront with that so anyone trying to get into something in the hopes of changing me or changing my mind is gonna be in for a disappointment.

I’ve made to many compromises in my life for the sake of other people and their desires and mental problems to be very agreeable to that sort of situation in my curmudgeonly old age..ok not that old.
But this is why I tend to go it alone and to hell with groups and group activities. They just always seem to have an agenda to them and I aint all up for that.  If people don’t like it, they aint gotta get involved with me. Simple as that. I’m happy, they’re happy, all good.

But oddly enough, I have found that a large number of blogs I’ve come across recently are much more of what I am looking for. Real people with real experiences sharing in ways that are important to them. It’s always interesting to see and read about their perceptions of things they are going through and how they handle them.  On both sides of the fence.

On a brighter note,

Did get to talk to someone very dear to me on the phone today. Something I havent done in a long time for various reasons here and there and I had almost forgotten how much I enjoyed talking to her and how much I truly did miss her.Spent a good forty-five minutes on the phone just talking about random stuff, nothing much, but that wasn’t the point.

To get to talk to someone who has always and will always have a place in my heart no matter what occurs, that’s always a good thing. And despite situations in the past that have conspired to get in the way, who knows what the future may hold. Though I have learned long ago not to think too much on stuff like that and live in the moment so to speak.

Relationships and Opinions

As hard as it may be to believe, or admit for that matter come to think about it, my thoughts and perceptions on things is not the end all be all about a great many things. I freely admit that I do not know everything and I’m not always 100% correct all the time. Just most of the time.

I have my own perception of things and how certain things should be, should be conducted and done and things of that nature, that are based on my own personal experiences and I freely admit on my own personal biases. It’s one of the reasons I very rarely engage myself in any sort of forum or discussion group dialog. I may read from it, but I for the most part will not give my own thoughts and opinions. Mainly for the fact that for the most part what I feel and think runs counter to alot of what is the accepted politically correct way of doing things. That and I can’t help but think a lot of people who post things to a great number of the BDSM and kink oriented types of forums are naive weekend warrior type idiots.

Am sorry, but  I am far from the fluffy huggable bunny type. Just not in my nature. I have strong opinions and ideals that guide my actions , morals and ethics, and just becasue certain elements want people in the mainstream to be accepting of what it is that they do in this regard, doesn’t mean I have to play along and water down everything I do to make it presentable. I don’t work that way.

However, knowing this is how I am, and how uinlikely it is for me to change my thoughts and opinions without a great deal of rational and god forbid logical thought provoking discourse, I recognize the need for others to braoden their horizons so to speak. In fact, anyone that I have every been with in this type of relationship, I have encouraged (and at times commanded) them to seek out other peoples views (even and especially those with views counter to my own) to listen to them, take in all the assorted informationa nd random mutterings going on all around, and then form their own opinions and ideas based on that and their own perceptions.

I for one think this is important. In exposing them, willingly or not, to other viewpoints, it allows the submissive/slave/whathaveyou to the myriad of possibilities and realities all around.And besides, just because I personally believe that SSC is a bunch of fluffy PC marketting crap, doesn’t mean that those who adhere to and believe in it don’t have a viable and valuable point.  It’ just that I h appen to whole heartedly disagree with anything that attempts to force acceptance through buzzwords and other ways of saying “we’re normal honest” types of things.

And part of this, I’ve always thought taht it was important for s-types to develop relationships with others who can understand what they are dealing with and going through due to similar perspectives. Yes, intellectually dominant types do understand certain things, but almost singularly on an intellectual level. It’s one of those things taht unless you have personaly experiecned something, while you may know on some level what it is about, you will not really understand to the level that they do. It’s as simple as that.

So it is always good for submissives and slave types to have a support network of like minded people who do understand and can give their own insights based on their own thoughts, feelings and experiences. I have always encouraged those sorts of friendships and for the most part I always will. Granted, this depends on the individual as well. Would be hard pressed to find it worth the time to let someone get involved with another person who believes the old trope that the “submissive really has all the power’. Damn you CSI for propogating that even more.

If there is a value, even if its just along the lines of a cautionary tale, it is helpful.

Titles

Somewhat of an interesting discussion on the Fetlife Masters/slaves group that I’ve been reading up a lot lately. The subject was basically on honorifics and titles such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am and things of that nature and how they are used and applied as well as what they mean to each person. Not to mention why they use them.

For me it is somewhat of a complicated issue. I generally dislike the thought of generic titles like sir that are given out. Not in general, as I use the title sir all the time when I do not know the persons name or if they are older than me etc etc. That and in normal context its just polite. But in the context of BDSM in general, to me the usuage of sir or ma’am has devolved from something that in and of itself should imply a respect for position or things of that nature, into an common and automatic term used for everyone who identifies with a dominant mindset.

Now I have been told, many times in fact, that it is still about respect for that person and who and more importantly what they are. My thoughts on this are simple because I dislike being addressed that way by submissive types who don’t even know me. If it is a sign of respect for who and what I am, without knowing me how do you know that said respect is deserved. Simply put, you don’t.

Now I do have a small few that address me as sir, but this was after telling them it was neither required or nescessary for me, and after explaining my position on it. Those that do address me as sir now, do so on their own becasue to them I have earned that respect in their eyes. It has an actual meaning behind it unlike just running into someone who claims to be dominant and giving them that honorific form of address.
I see anything else as artificially enforced. Which by the general BDSM type of community, which is a silly phrase in and of itself because there is no real community, is both common place and expected. WEll, am sorry but anyone who expects and demands to have a title conferred on them by everyone, let alone those that they do not know and do not know them, well they’re an idiot.

I personally prefer things that I have earned and deserve on my own merits rather than a meaningless title that is confered because the overerall culture seems to think being a dominant , or claiming to be dominant, is all it takes to earn that sort of respectful honor from submissive types. If someone believes that in their eyes I deserve the title or the inherant respect that goes with it, then fine by me. Otherwise I’m not Master Shadow (email address aside) or Sir Shadow, I’m just Shadow and that is what works for me.

I just do not really like the unearned connotations the whole thing brings up at times.

Ponderings

I’ve started realizing something.  Although maybe this is just me and my own depraved and perverted world, but I’m starting to realize something about myself, or rather who I associate myself with.
More to the point, I really don’t think I have a single normal friend or aquaintance outside or work..which really doesn’t count due to it being Hollywood and no one is really normal out here. But that’s really not what I meant. Outside of work I don’t associate with anyone who isn’t in possession of a Kink sort of persuasion, whether it be dominant or submissive. And come to think of it, I reallyhavent since I was around twenty or so.

Not so surprising after all all things considering, it is how I live and what I relate to in the big wild world around me. I guess it’s only natural that I choose to surround myself with those few that only understand who and what I am, odd as I may be. I can relate to people hwo have the same general mindet and pleasures that I like. Well that and who an not like having pretty slave girls around to talk to.
Well and do other things to as well, but that is sooo a different subject.