Bear in mind this is my opinion. It does not make what I say either right or wrong, it simply makes it my opinion and how I tend to view things. Take that as you will.
I try not to get to much into labels, other than the ones I personally self identify with. For everyone else I see labels pretty much in the same manner. As long as the terminology is actually understood, what another person self identifies as is of course their own business and I try not to get to involved in that sort of thing.
But the terminology is the key to this. If a person is using the word incorrectly, no matter what the word happens to be, then they are using it incorrectly.
This is something that I had been thinking about on and off throughout the day since I noticed a posting on a message board that I cam across last night. Which subsequently made my eyes bleed reading through the thread until I felt my brain was going to explode.
The long and short of the posting was someone complaining that all the service and submission was getting in the way of all the sex and that how dare people who actually want something of a relationship that isn't based solely on carnal activities 'hijack this lifestyle'.
Now, this made me think quite a bit. Mostly because said person self identified as a submissive yet through their words and opinions was clearly anything but. Don't get me wrong. There wholly nothing wrong with being a sexual bottom, but the useage of the incorrect terminology bothered me a little bit. Not to mention throwing in that line about the lifestyle being hijacked.
Let me be clear about this. Topping or bottoming is an activity. A fun one at that. But unless it is somethign that is done on a daily basis (and I would venture on a continual basis throughout the day) it really does not qualify as a lifestyle. D/s or M/s on the otherhand are most certainly lifestyles by any definition of the word.
That and disparaging any sort of service that does not involve sexual gratification and to infer as well taht it is ruining everything is beyond stupid in my opinion. I'm a firm believer in that everyone has a right to their opinions (with a caveat that they at least be factually based) but there are some instances that seem to stretch this belief quite a bit. Especialyl ones that I find incredibly stupid not to mention arrogant and ill informed.
BDSM by its nature and definition is wide ranging in the topics that it covers. Dominance and Submission being one of the letter pairings after all. And I think that there seems to be a lot of friction as of late between those that see this as a way to live their life with their partner(s) and those who are just looking for the thrill of it. And again there is nothing wrong with either side of the equation, but it seems to me that there is a lot of problems and misconceptions with the definitions.
To me, a top and a bottom I see as being almost equal partners. Though the top directs the whole scene unfolding, any submission going on by the bottom is purely for the gratification of both. Granted this is an extreme simplification of the dynamic that goes on, but ultimately I think it works.
A submissive I think is a wholly different animal. At its core I believe that submission is about service in some fashion or another. And that service is what makes it different. A submissive does not switch off after play time like a bottom might for example. Bottoming is an activity, submissive is what a person is or is not.
When I say service, I mean a lot of things. Yes there is a sexual aspect to it at times, and why not sex happens to be delightful, but it is more than that. If you take away the sexual aspect and remove it from the equation entirely, a submissive is still going to be submissive. They are still going to be looking for and needing the relationship dynamic that goes along with a dominant/submissive or master/slave relationship.
It is about control, discipline, belonging and being fulfilled by fulfilling another person or persons as the case may be. Submission in my opinion is more mentally focused and driven. After all, I'd venture to guess that there are few dominants out there that are not aware of the power and impact a simple raised eyebrow can have on a submissive. Or that subtle change in the tone of ones voice, or that one particular 'look'.
The displeasure of a dominant (without the physical correction that may or may not follow) has just as much a profound of an impact on a submissive as does their pleasure and approval. It goes down to the core of their being. It is not something in my experience that can be simply turned off. At the very least not without a great deal of difficulty.
Like I've said before, many times in fact, I can very easily refill my own coffee cup. But turning and seeing my mug 'magically' refilled and jsut the way I like it will almost always make me smile, acknolwedge and appreciate the gesture.
Service is after all, not so much about the big things, but it is about the little things. The take the initiative attention to detail little odds and ends that for a lot of people may go unnoticed or even worse taken for granted.
Now, a bottom is not better than a submissive and a submissive is not better than a bottom. You really cannot realistically compare the two. It's the old apples and oranges thing. IF you are looking purely superficially, they are similar in some ways. But it is beneath that where the differences are and, in my opinion, where the submissive is going to shine brightest. And I say that in a purely biased and personal preference type of way. It's what I prefer so I tend to view them both in differing lights.
Either way, enjoy what you do, be proud of who and what you are in this and be fully confident in the choices for your life that you make. Don';t let anyone tell you any differently...unless you really want to in which case go for it.
I fail to see the point of doing otherwise is in any case. I know I certainly don't please every person with who I am and what I do, and frankly I could give a damn less about what most people think. I don't do a lot of things the way that others do, nor do I feel the same way as what I adoringly call the 'party line' (don't get me started).
Point is, unless there is a danger, a real danger that is, be you and let everyone else be themselves. Life is to short to go around doing anything else.
Shadow
1 comment:
"submissive is what a person is or is not."
Well said. It's a concept that has taken me a while to accept.
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