Random Rambling that pours from my brain.

It occurs to me that oft times I have a little to much mental wandering time. And I mean that my mind often wanders from one subject to the next and back again whilst I'm working for example. Most of the people I work with would most likely be horrified by the thoughts that swirl around in my head, but truthfully I would think they'd know me well enouh by now to expect that sort of thing. I'm not exactly secretive about my depravity, just the overall level of it.

In any case, after a conversation I had yesterday, it got me thinking today about certain things.  There is an aweful lot of stereotyping that goes on. Granted this is in general, can't often get away from it in fact, but I mean more of a specific instance. And along with this goes a lot of expectations I think too.

What I mean is this, and it is something I have often wondered about. What image do you conjure up when you think of the terms ( as far as BDSM goes) dominant and submissive. Generally you'll more likely get two sets of images for both going roughly along gender lines. And it is those images that I've always wondered about.

Mostly because, well look at it this way, you get a brand new submissive girl, just starting out and learning. Are her responses and excitement to activities such as spanking, items such as whips and chains, are they genuine attractions, or are they more along the lines of "this is what submissive women enjoy so therefore I enjoy them". The same can be said for the whole "I identify as dominant so therefore I must enjoy tying people up and whipping them into jello"

Part of this is becuase the logical portion of my mind can't quite wrap around the fact that it is a near impossibility that every single person who is into BDSM in any of its varying aspects automatically is just enthralled and craving that sort of thing.

I'd personally expect a bit of wide eyed curiosity about things like beign dragged over a dominants lap for a spanking when first doing some self exploration, but a general overall enjoyment from the get go just does not seem right to me.

Granted there is a lot to be said from exploration and experience, but there is also I think the factor of a learned or conditioned response. I've found that there is very little activity wise that cannot be at least in some way eroticised. I can recall in fact experiencing the fact first hand that new submissive types in new relationships with a dominant will tend to eroticise just about everything. Even the most mundane tasks.

But the whole pain thing is subjective. I've known just as many self proclaimed painsluts as I ahve those who jsut enjoy light sensation play. So while it does cover a wide range along the spectrum, it is still there.

Now on a different aspect of the same topic, is bondage. Now I like to think of bondage in general as far as it relates to this subject as being freedom in chains. Which is a good enough term I think.

As it was described to me, being in chains means that you cannot resist or escape the fact that these are the things that you enjoy. It allows a certain freedom to literally be yourself, ignoring all the societal and cultural pressures that can arise from enjoying things that society as a whole generally considers taboo or even wrong.  After all, women (or men for that matter) are not supposed to enjoy that sort of thing.

But like it was told to me, all chained up you really can't run away and hide from the fact that you do enjoy it. You have to almost literally face and accept it. Which once done, gives a tremendous amount of freedom. Which is understandable.

Embrace and accept who you are freely and without worry. Even if its only for a little while.

On Service and Bottoming...because I couldn't really think of a catchy title.

Bear in mind this is my opinion. It does not make what I say either right or wrong, it simply makes it my opinion and how I tend to view things. Take that as you will.

I try not to get to much into labels, other than the ones I personally self identify with. For everyone else I see labels pretty much in the same manner. As long as the terminology is actually understood, what another person self identifies as is of course their own business and I try not to get to involved in that sort of thing.

 But the terminology is the key to this. If a person is using the word incorrectly, no matter what the word happens to be, then they are using it incorrectly.

This is something that I had been thinking about on and off throughout the day since I noticed a posting on a message board that I cam across last night. Which subsequently made my eyes bleed reading through the thread until I felt my brain was going to explode.

The long and short of the posting was someone complaining that all the service and submission was getting in the way of all the sex and that how dare people who actually want something of a relationship that isn't based solely on carnal activities 'hijack this lifestyle'.

Now, this made me think quite a bit. Mostly because said person self identified as a submissive yet through their words and opinions was clearly anything but. Don't get me wrong. There wholly nothing wrong with being a sexual bottom, but the useage of the incorrect terminology bothered me a little bit. Not to mention throwing in that line about the lifestyle being hijacked.

Let me be clear about this. Topping or bottoming is an activity. A fun one at that. But unless it is somethign that is done on a daily basis (and I would venture on a continual basis throughout the day) it really does not qualify as a lifestyle. D/s or M/s on the otherhand are most certainly lifestyles by any definition of the word.

That and disparaging any sort of service that does not involve sexual gratification and to infer as well taht it is ruining everything is beyond stupid in my opinion. I'm a firm believer in that everyone has a right to their opinions (with a caveat that they at least be factually based) but there are some instances that seem to stretch this belief quite a bit. Especialyl ones that I find incredibly stupid not to mention arrogant and ill informed.

BDSM by its nature and definition is wide ranging in the topics that it covers. Dominance and Submission being one of the letter pairings after all. And I think that there seems to be a lot of friction as of late between those that see this as a way to live their life with their partner(s) and those who are just looking for the thrill of it. And again there is nothing wrong with either side of the equation, but it seems to me that there is a lot of problems and misconceptions with the definitions.

To me, a top and a bottom I see as being almost equal partners. Though the top directs the whole scene unfolding, any submission going on by the bottom is purely for the gratification of both. Granted this is an extreme simplification of the dynamic that goes on, but ultimately I think it works.

A submissive I think is a wholly different animal. At its core I believe that submission is about service in some fashion or another. And that service is what makes it different. A submissive does not switch off after play time like a bottom might for example. Bottoming is an activity, submissive is what a person is or is not.

When I say service, I mean a lot of things. Yes there is a sexual aspect to it at times, and why not sex happens to be delightful, but it is more than that. If you take away the sexual aspect and remove it from the equation entirely, a submissive is still going to be submissive. They are still going to be looking for and needing the relationship dynamic that goes along with a dominant/submissive or master/slave relationship.

It is about control, discipline, belonging and being fulfilled by fulfilling another person or persons as the case may be. Submission in my opinion is more mentally focused and driven. After all, I'd venture to guess that there are few dominants out there that are not aware of the power and impact a simple raised eyebrow can have on a submissive. Or that subtle change in the tone of ones voice, or that one particular 'look'.

The displeasure of a dominant (without the physical correction that may or may not follow) has just as much a profound of an impact on a submissive as does their pleasure and approval. It goes down to the core of their being. It is not something in my experience that can be simply turned off. At the very least not without a great deal of difficulty.

Like I've said before, many times in fact, I can very easily refill my own coffee cup. But turning and seeing my mug 'magically' refilled and jsut the way I like it will almost always make me smile, acknolwedge and appreciate the gesture.

Service is after all, not so much about the big things, but it is about the little things. The take the initiative attention to detail little odds and ends that for a lot of people may go unnoticed or even worse taken for granted.

Now, a bottom is not better than a submissive and a submissive is not better than a bottom. You really cannot realistically compare the two. It's the old apples and oranges thing. IF you are looking purely superficially, they are similar in some ways. But it is beneath that where the differences are and, in my opinion, where the submissive is going to shine brightest. And I say that in a purely biased and personal preference type of way. It's what I prefer so I tend to view them both in differing lights.

Either way, enjoy what you do, be proud of who and what you are in this and be fully confident in the choices for your life that you make. Don';t let anyone tell you any differently...unless you really want to in which case go for it.

I fail to see the point of doing otherwise is in any case. I know I certainly don't please every person with who I am and what I do, and frankly I could give a damn less about what most people think. I don't do a lot of things the way that others do, nor do I feel the same way as what I adoringly call the 'party line' (don't get me started).

Point is, unless there is a danger, a real danger that is, be you and let everyone else be themselves. Life is to short to go around doing anything else.

Shadow

Post Munch

I'm remembering why I have always been so annoyed by daylight savings time. Despite the fact that at the very least the fall back portion of daylight savings time is infinitely better than the 'Spring Forward' portion.

In any case, the extra time in bed, notice I did not say sleeping because I was awake most of the night in a kind of on off daze, gave me a bit of time to process a lot of things that have been going on as of late.

Surprisingly enough, going to the munch this time, by myself, was a new and ultimately positive experience. Granted for the most part I simply sat and observed. Listening and paying attention to as much as was going on around me as possible. i do this for many reasons. The first being that I am more able to learn of my surroundings and the people that encompass those surroundings by listening. Not just to what is being said, but how it is being said. The subtle body language cues and things of that nature that make up human interaction.

The second being that in truth unless I know the people around me, more than just passing aquaintance wise, interjecting myself into their social dynamic is to me somewhat rude and uncomfortable. I may make a few comments here and there, answer when asked a question or spoken too, but I rarely if ever volunteer anything.

I could say that this is a response to being burned one to many times from various situations throughout my life, which is a part of it yes, but truthfully that is just part of my nature. I don't need to be the center of attention after all, and lets face it being in the shadows plotting tends to suit me more anyways hehe.

But this time was different, and I think I can attribute that to meeting someone there who is more similar to me than...well to be honest the vast majority of the worlds population. It was a good time and had a nice conversation about such a wide range of topics (mostly geeky fun type stuff) and it actaully made the whole experience enjoyable.

There wasn't a lot of lifestyle-esque talk going on other than a few snippets here and there, but then again there hasn't been much if any at all in any of the other ones I went to either. Which is ok. Well to some extent anyways. Its all well adn good to relax and enjoy the company of like minded individuals, but I suppose a little bit more of the twisted evil amusement types of stuff wouldnt be amiss either.

That being said, there are definately a few things here and there that I want to think more upon and get into further so to speak.

It definately makes it easier to get involved when there is someone there that makes it easier to open up a bit more than usual.

We'll see.

Now I jsut have to wait for my claws to arrive in the mail some time this week and see how all of that goes.

Shadow

Dominant Traits/Needs Pt. 1

                I’ve been thinking quite a bit about certain things as of late. A lot of it has to do with some of the books I’ve been starting to reread, and part of it has to do with other thoughts swirling into my head.

                Now over the years, as well as a few lately, I have seen quite a few lists, thesis, etc. on what purports to be the ‘Qualities of a Dominant’ or something to that effect.  There are a variety of titles to such things, but in the end they all seem to fall into one of two categories. (With full disclosure some do seem to be more genuine).

                These two categories are A: Overly idealistic prose written by submissives that overly romanticizes and idealizes what a dominant apparently should be. The problem with these types of things is that they tend to be almost purely fantasy and written in such a way that there are no way the vast majority of dominant types could possibly live up to these lists. These are the white knights in shining armor.

                The second type is the ones written by dominant types (and with a lot of what I have seen I do use that term in the loosest sense).  While they do tend to contain a lot of the same elements that those written by submissives have, they tend to however be less romanticized in their writing. Unfortunately, the problem with most of these as well is that they also tend to be unrealistic, but more than that, there is this underlying current within them that says something to the effect of ‘I the dominant writing this have all of these qualities’. If it is realistic and feasible, there is nothing with that sort of undertone. But like I said, most of these seem unrealistic and overly idealized.

                I prefer to live within reality. I will however say this much, as far as these types of lists or essays go these are admirable qualities to look up to and to strive towards.  Everyone should strive to improve themselves and to be honest these lists are something that should be worked towards. Fulfilling them however is another thing.

                I have thought about this a lot, and I think I have come up with a list of my own that more fits what in my opinion is a more reality based type of thing.  So is my list of qualitiesque things that a dominant should possess to be successful in their role and place in their chosen lifestyle.  Probably a work in progress that I’ll expand upon from time to time.

#1 Control

                A dominant should be in control. And I’m not talking about control of a submissive (as that comes later) but in control of themselves and their lives.  To be on control of someone else, you need to be in control of yourself and have your life, your feelings, your emotions and social interactions worked out beforehand.  Master yourself before you master anyone else.

                To be blunt, the wellbeing, both emotionally and physically, not to mention the growth of a submissive or a slave is dependent on the dominant being able to keep a certain equilibrium within themselves. Reacting badly to some situations can be severely damaging to this sort of relationship, so a dominant needs to be in control of themselves enough to be able to choose how they react, and to be able to choose the correct reaction.

#2 Confidence

                This should be somewhat self-explanatory. A dominant needs confidence. In themselves, in their abilities and in who/what they are. That isn’t to say that this needs to be to the point of an overblown ego, but they do need to be confident in what it is they do.

                And part of this is being confident in the skills they have, the tools they use, and the methods that they employ. A lot of this comes from experience. The sort of been there, done that enough to know what the hell I’m doing, type of thing.

                I’ve heard a lot of people refer to this as kind of an aura or something that the dominant seems to project around them. Confidence ties into control and in fact quite a few other things as well. If a person is confident, and proud of who and what they are it shows in their bearing, their actions, and their words.

#3 Ethics

                This is a difficult one to tie down. Simply because a lot of people may equate this, and even name it something along the lines of honor, proper protocol or something similar, and truthfully, ethics does tend to be a cultural construct.

                What I mean however is being able to pretty much discern between right and wrong, fair and unfair, good and bad. A dominant needs to be very careful in this regard, and be mindful of what this entails. How a dominant interacts with submissives for example makes this integral. A dominant has to know, and be quite clear, about what is and is not ethical behavior.

                Most people know that hitting on a collared submissive is unethical, not to mention rude and sometimes very dangerous.  But ethics also has to do with ‘Do no harm’. Which has so much meaning within so many different categories it’s not even funny.   Including the most important three (in my opinion) mental, physical and emotional harm.

                And there are two phrases that I like that kind of describe my general without getting into specifics view of ethics. Leave them better off than you found them, and, Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Yes I know that last is a religious type quote, but it fits regardless even if I don’t necessarily agree with the whole organized religion thing.

#4 Knowledge

                Very important. To be blunt..again. Know what the fuck you are doing and talking about damn it. But it’s more than that. There is this feeling that to be a good dominant you have to have experienced the submissive side of things. And while this does have its merits, unless you are gay or a lesbian, you really are not going to get the full effect. Male submissives are different than female submissives. They think differently, have different motivations and different triggers. A male dominant experiencing submission himself is not going to really understand a female submissive in that sense.  But it can be a good start.

                Also however, like I said, know what you are doing. I like the example (even if I didn’t like the actual event) of how the police and military train their people on pepper spray. To understand how someone else is going to react to it, so you know how to react and deal with it, you have to be sprayed in the face.

                And in that regard I fully agree with that. Me personally I know what each and every one of my whips, crops and other items of that nature feel like at varying degrees of force. And I know how to wield them properly.

                Practice Practice Practice.

                This is important. I know how each implement feels. And because of that I have a good idea of how it’s going to feel being laid out across the bared backside of a submissive..mmmm…ahem

                This allows me to judge and gauge my actions and reactions to their reactions. Do I lessen the force, move on to another item, or continue along the path. I know what determines what and how much just slacking off on the force just a little bit will do. What impact it will have.

                Again, practice makes perfect. Preferably practice not on an actual person other than yourself if necessary.

Please be quiet, grown ups are talking.

I keep getting almost daily reminders of why I choose not to participate in many online discussion forums anymore.

As I have stated in the past, I just do not find much in common with the vast majority of people involved in wahtever discussions are being had on said forums. A lot of this is due to the fact that, yes, my views often conflict with what is considered the status quo. And I believe it is that status quo, the groupthink, or the 'accepted' definition of this or that, which makes my teeth hurt and makes me envision opening up the top of my head and scooping out whatever brain cells that will remember reading some of the things I've seen.

Truthfully, I do not get a lot of what I see or read. Not meaning comprehension, in which case I do very well comprehend what is being said, I just don't understand what passes for logic that promotes a lot of what I read or see.  Personally, I find that people have far to many stupid ideas about what is what or how things work. And the sad part is that because of groupthink and trying to fit in with whatever clique seems to be in charge of whatever group, some really bullshit ideas get perpetuated and anythign that runs counter to that "standard" gets jumped on with alarming frequency.

Now, I can't stand any sort of elitism. Never have been one to fit in with any crowd in particular in any case and much prefer to be off in my own world so to speak, but I think a lot of what goes on with discussion groups, and groups in genreal as it pertains to anything M/s or BDSM in general does effect the whole and does not stay confined to just the group that it comes from.

Now I may not be the most open minded person in the world, but I do accept that people may have different views than I have. It's just human nature. I just don't have to agree with these other views. But there are times when the overwhelming level of stupidity just makes my eyes roll into the back of my head so much and so often I think my eyes are going to burst just from the strain.

Case in point. Fetlife is a very good and unique site for what it offers. I do think it goes to far at times in the whole freedom of expression and open minded open arms type of thing. To me, not everyone deserves to have a say or to have their voice heard if that voice is used to promote erroroneous thought and philosophy. Despite common accepted thought, not everyones thoughts and opinions are just as valid as the next persons. A little bit of knowledge on a subject a person is spouting off on would be helpful in this case.

But on to the point. There is a group there, which I have left recently becasue I just had nothign in common with them despite the title and goals of the group, devoted to those who are of a kinky mindset and a polyamorous mindset.  Now, the thing I want to point out is that the group is stated to basically be not one or the other, but both. Now granted kinky is a loaded term that can mean a lot of things. However, there is a general consensus on a site like Fetlife of what that entails and what is covered under that.

On a recent thread in which a girl had something to say about her D/s and poly relationship where prospective partners had to be screened and vetted by the primary dominant partner. Her concern was that after speaking with people, they seemed to refuse to take that next step and speak with the dominant about going further.  Seems pretty straight forward to me.

Problem being that the vast majority of the respondants seemed to find it horrifying that in a D/s or M/s relationship that such a thing would be a requirement of the poly aspect of their relationship. Most of them having a "how dare he" sort of tone to them. One of which going so far as to make the assertion that the dominant in question was trying through that to make the other people submit to him through this.

Really. Are these people fucking serious? If you do not understand how a dynamic works, in this case a dominant and submissive relationship with tones of poly into it, if its not asking questions to further your understanding, shut the fuck up with your ill informed unknowledgable opinions. Seriously. I don't know a damn thing about the engine of a car, so I do try to avoid telling the mechanic that fixes them on a day to day basis that how dare he try and tell me that it's the transmission when in my opinion its not.

If you do not understand something, learn (or at least make an attempt), or keep your mouth shut and not spout off rants about something you know nothing about. I totally understand the dominant in the relationships stance in this matter. In a committed power exchange relationship, just because you add poly into the mix does not mean that certain things are tossed out the window.

I'm a dominant myself. In a relationship. It is well within my purview to institute such restrictions on my own relationship if I saw a need or desired. One, because that is part of the job description. I look out for and protect as best as I can. Two, that is kinda how the dynamic works. If I am not the ultimate authority (when applicable) of just about everything in the relationship then something has gone astray. I just do not feel the need to do so in obvious ways most of the time. I excercise my will differently.

The thing is , I personally do not feel a need to involve myself in that sort of descision when it comes to chel's other relationships at the moment. She is an adult. And while I could, I don't becasue I trust in her adult judgement and know that her views on thing sof this nature are similar enough to mine not to cause much of an issue.  That being said, I'm quite sure she knows and understands that if I ever felt a genuine need to step in at some point, I would. She may not altogether appreciate it, but she would understand why.

That and I have no need to exert authority or power for granstanding or ego purposes. Just not in me. How people see me has no impact on me.  But that is what people need to understand. In a general poly relationship, yeah having ot ask the primary for permission is a little out there. But when you add in the dominant and submissive dynamic into it, it's not only acceptable in general, it is just how things work. And it really has less to do with respect of my relationship and status than it does with safety. I'm by far the nicest person in the world in general, especially when it comes to protecting someone I care about. I'm not someone you want to get on the bad side of. I'm a sadist after all and one who is very imaginative and knows where to hide the bodies.

Point being, if you are not in a D/s relationship, and/or never have been in one, you really cannot speak about or cast dispersions on the way someones relationship works if they are in one. You're jsut speaking about things you don't know a damn thing about. And it just reinforces my own personal belief that you're an idiot who needs to put that high horse back into the stable and leave it alone for a while.

What you have works for you, what they have works for them. For fucks sake stop trying to put your morals and beliefs onto other peoples relationships. Its bad enough that forums and discussion grouips are filled will elitest cliques who seem to think they get to deciede what is right and what isn't, and what relationship is valid and true and what isn't. No need to add talking out your ass to the mix any more than nescessary. 

But then again it is the internet so that is probably not going to change much. Ever.

Some people are just to stupid to own computers.

Precedence

There is a precedence to things. I.E., some things will always take precedence to other things. Sort of a prioritizing kind of situation.

Right now, most everything for me is put on hold. Shunted to the back of my mind and locked away for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I worry about certain things (or people rather) so I put myself into standby mode.

Right now Chel worries me a lot. Her being in the hospital at the moment does not help things much, in fact it flips things into the opposite of helping. But that is alright because her and her health take precedence over...well pretty much everything else. I do have other responsibilities that I cannot slack on, school and work being the two most obvious, but everything else takes a back seat. And even those two things are conditional on what is going on at the moment.

Relationship wise, I love her and she is well aware of that fact, and  I know she loves me. That's fine. Nothign wrong in that regard. Only, with who I am and what I need out of things, there should be more to it. Granted that statement can be taken the wrong way, but that isn't quite what I mean. It's not that I am unsatisfied or anything of that nature, it is just that some times I feel there is a need, for the greater good (and for her own well being) that I need to back off a bit in certain areas and let things in that regard coast for a while.

Not that I don't think constantly of coming home, grabbign her by her hair and throwing her on the bed and doing despicable things to her until we're both exhausted and unable to move, but that is not what is in my mind needed at the moment And I don;t want to do more hamr than good so to speak.

*sigh*

You'd think that at this point in my life I would have had enough experience with things of this nature to know what to do. Well, I do and I don't. I've learned long ago that there are a lot of things that it is better at times for me to simply withhold and keep to myself. And for the most part, these kinds of desires at the moment are one of them. There is enough stress in both of our lives at the moment without adding onto it.

Though, it may be a relief of stress in and of itself. Besides that I like working things out for myself in my own time and in my own head most of the time. And I've learned that sometimes its better to just keep quiet. I do that quite frequently with family members as it is. You're at that limit, you want to say something, but you know it will just make things a hell of a lot worse.

I know I don't have the best job in the world right, but it is something I am good at and do well in, despite the fact that I am making a change in that regard anyways. I could say something, because frankly I'm tired of hearing about it and getting all the comments nonstop (which is a long list of things I have to deal with in regards to backhanded comments and complaining I have to deal with) but I know it would not do any good. SO I just shut the hell up and ignore it as best I can.

I have a lot of things going on that just pile the stress onto my shoulders. But I'm used to it, don't particularly like or enjoy it, but I'm used to it. So I keep quiet about everything and focus my attention on other things.

That is what I am here for. That is what I do. I could go on a rant and let the world know jsut how tired of everything I am and to just for fucks sake leave me alone just for once. But I don't because it's not who I am. Probably why some people think I'm just one incident away from going postal and taking everyone out....not that I've planned it out or anything and am just waiting on the shipment to arrive or anything hehe.

But to make the point, yes I have issues (so say the psychiatrists...and everyone else for that matter), but so does everyone. Mine are only special because they are mne. And right now, other things take priority over dealing with what I have to for me, and what I want/would like.

Right now everything else is unimportant. She takes up priority and getting her where she needs to be. Everything else will fall into place eventually. I'm not an optomist, I'm just persistant.

Loving Dominant, so dissapointed.

Now it may be just me, but with all the recommendations I have heard over the years for the book "The Loving Dominant", I actually expected quite a bit more than what it actually is. Not to take anything away from John Warren or anything as I have read quite a few of his articles here and there on this and that.

The problem comes in when the book is not at all what I expected it to be. In fact, it is quite a bit less than what I expected it to be and what the title suggests that is within the pages of the book. What makes it worse is that right on the cover has a little subtitle calling it "new and improved".

Good gods, how bad was it beforehand?

Its not a bad book, from what I have read of it, but it is...well its just not what I was looking for. When I think of a book entitled "Loving Dominant" I sorta somewhat expect essays and treatise and things of that nature on the various facets of a D/s type of relationship. Theory and philosophy so to speak. And that is not what I found.

Oh that part is in there, for all of maybe ten pages, but its very glossed over in favor of "this is how you play with this toy" which takes up well over 95 percent of the book. Very dissapointed. I know very well how to play and how to use all the various impliments gone over in the book as I have a good deal of them myself. And if I wanted a How-to type of toy manual I would have gone out and got one.

What I expected was a book that focused on the relationship aspect and the power exchange and things of that nature, not what I actually got. What I expected was a book on Dominant and submissive relationships, not a top and bottom play manual.

And the fuck of it is, John and Libby Warren, at the very least in this book, make any relationship based on D/s or what have you, seem to be limited and relegated only to the play aspect and nothing else. Not only is that disengenous, its insulting.

I'm going to finish the book all the way through, probably thinking the whole time that "Screw the Roses" is a much better book for this sort of thing as well as a great many other aspects, but I'm gonna finish the damn thing.

And I so hope that the other book I have on order is a more satisfying buy. My recommendation, is unless you really don't know anything about BDSM, D/s, M/s or any of that sort of thing. You're better off passing this book by. Its not going to be helpful to anyone looking for a real relationship that doesn't focus solely on the playtime S/M aspects.